note to self

before you let your mind wander to places it doesn't need to go, focus and complete on what's right in front of you first - what's really important. FOCUS.

by the way, who's ANONYMOUS?

today was such an exhausting but goodish day. left room at 7 ish to go to the gym, showered, attended lectures, brunch with ji ho, did a little reading, went for hi tea with kaiser's mum and another auntie somewhere in the city centre, came back to campus, went out again with some exchange peeps for shopping & dinner, came back and met perry for a bit. feet covered in blisters, i cut them and water literally shot out, disgusting very very much. and now you have that gross image in your head, hehe, you're welcome. ok i swear im never wearing heels again unless absolutely necessary.

oh kai's mum "casually" mentioned that hes graduating this year and has an offer from LSE for his masters, but he might not want to take his masters and would rather work at a firm if a good one employs him. but what he truly wants to do is go to Africa for a year to do some volunteer work. and so i thought, hmmm so after everything, your dream, our dream, hasn't changed. only difference is that instead of doing it together like we talked about, you're doing it on your own. anyhow, it's good to know some things don't change. and then his mum "casually" asked if im dating anyone, and i said "nah...there's no one", and she said, "these things depend on fate" and i thought, yea i know, which is kinda why my stubborn heart is stuck with your son.

ANYWAYS, i got ang paos! yay. ok im tired, bye

i love

my Operations Management lecturer. he made me not glance at the clock even once throughout the class. and this is the first business subject that has made me go "hmmm.... this might be what i want to do with my life". basically its a course about planning and managing operations and resources, in other words how to allocate our earth's materials, human capital, time. how to find the most efficient way to produce, to satisfy consumers, and at the same time, to eliminate waste/pollution/other forms of harm. it's about planning, collaborating, producing what we humans need, finding the best way to operate a business which at the same time harms the environment as little as possible. to me, this sounds more meaningful than things like accounting or finance where i face figures and money all day. hmmmm..

spring.

one week today to the second semester of uni. this was much anticipated towards the relatively monotonous periods of this extended holiday, but now that there's only six days left of it, i'm having second thoughts, haha. there's already a page long of To-Do-List planned, to attend to the moment my flight touches ground in hk. hello perry my airport cab sharing buddy, hello my long neglected little mentee, hello roommate i bought a new hairdryer we can share, hello dusty bedsheets, hello locals & koreans & mainlanders & other-international-party-people, hello gym, hello not very good lecturers, hello dear library, hello minibuses and mtr, and of course, hello cold weather, how do you do. hello independence.

need.change.

some people set an ambitious target, puts every distraction aside, and actually achieves it.
some people, like me, set ambitious targets and try hard but not hard enough, frequent, but not constant nor long enough, to achieve a single damn thing.

i admire you, you with the determination, the hard work, the good looks and the brains. you who knows what you want and how to get it. you who did what you needed to and got it. you who got into gbus as you dreamed.
you who i doubted, underestimated - i now admire.

you're my new role model :)

to do in 2011:

1. SLAM social project with mentee. Hopefully build a strong relationship with her, and maybe even get an internship opportunity (though unlikely, seeing that I've already missed 3 of the activities because they took place when i was not in HK)

2. get MBTI personality test done, to understand a bit more about my personality and what type of career is suitable for me

3. nanny & tutoring part-time jobs during the weekends to earn my living expenses

4. go out with friends more (if time allows it)

5. pre-study before classes

6. go to at least one island in HK

7. get the Dean-list award (haha. as if. )

8. internship + summer courses

9. china trip with mum

10. sleep before 12

11. get a DSLR

12. stay single

christmas shopping

to celebrate the end of the finals, i went shopping. i bought sooo many things, but none for myself. i love christmas shopping. i ended up feeling so happy after buying things for the people i love.. and so happy that i could find things that i know would light up their faces when they see it. believe it or not, this is the first time i went christmas shopping, cos for the past years, i've just been at home, and had family meals to celebrate christmas. and if you know me well you would know i'm rather kiamsiap when it comes to money. but this year, everything's different.
there are a number of things i've learned in this first semester at uni:

-planning is very important
-having nothing to do is something to appreciate
-having a lot to do is even more appreciable
-sleep cures a lot of things
-time is money
-there are always gonna be people with really bad attitudes, who put you off, and you'll have to tolerate it. but i'm so tempted to ask them, "do you really hate your job that much?" or, "what's wrong? can i help you?" and i think one day i will.
-courage is something to build
-confidence is sexy and attracts me
-after bec's departure, instead of throwing myself at other people, i learned to spend time with myself. and right now i'm the happiest i've ever been. because this kind of happiness is not..the bursting time. but rather the type where, you can be walking down the road with a stupid grin on your face for no particular reason, but knowing that you're alive
-take your work seriously, but not too serious that you forget the bigger picture
-love people. i read somewhere that when you keep getting disappointed by people and relationships, and you get angry, then you spend time with yourself, and gradually at some point you learn to love yourself, then you love people. just anyone, unconditionally. i think this is true.
-i've learned that nothing that's worthwhile is easy, and its a matter of whether you think it's really that worthwhile
-everything happens for a reason
-i still have the person that i met a year and a half ago in my heart, and im starting to believe this might not change.
-warm weather is something to love
-i love it here, but i subconsciously hate it too, cos of the stress. but experience has taught me that whatever's bitter will have its benefit later.
-part of me loves the way things are now, but part of me is secretly hoping there was that little bit more. but i know i'll have to wait.
-life can be unfair, but i am one of the lucky ones. and therefore, i must make the most out of what i am given.

hey, hello. tomorrow's my first final paper and i'm finally procrastinating. the night before my paper i'm actually thinking: what the hell, there's no point, just take it as it comes. which puts the past 2 weeks plus of my hiding-in-isolation-and-studying-day-till-night-and-not-socializing-at-all to waste. but seriously, what the hell. the only thing i can think of right now is the afternoon after my last paper next week, where i can finally get a breath of freedom. and i can go shopping and walk around hong kong without the thought of hkust expectation beckons at the back of my mind. okay, im actually excited that its the paper's tomorrow. cos once the first paper starts, it'll all be over in no time.

URGHHHH

I

NEED

MORE

TIME.

yayy

i got so much work done last night + today, i feel like superwoman.
:D
by the way i'm sitting next to a huge photo of Albert Einstein at the library. maybe he is passing me his aura. zheng zheng zheng....

i fear my growing ambition.
i fear this.. burning desire for a status, a recognised position and name. i'm intimidated by society's expectations. i fear the influence, the aggravating nudge behind my back that's pushing me somewhere, but i wonder if getting there will make me forget who i am. i'm forced to make a choice between what i really want, and what would make me appear impressive in this competitive community, and the problem is, i'm not sure which is which. part of me may be following the crowd, because it'd rather die than be left behind. but another part of me asks why none of this feels right yet. why there's no lightbulb that lights up and tells me - this is it! this is what you like apple! why there's no passion. there is interest, but what if it was formed methodologically? i want to be given more time, and more choices. i don't want to have to wake up in the morning and think, i have to do well, simply because i have to. there is something wrong with all of this, but i don't have the time or the energy to stop to correct it, or to find another option. every day is just spent on catching up, holding on, running after. every day is blending into the next. in these three months i have done more than i've ever in my 19 years, but here, what i've done is far from enough.
15 days. i'm doing what i can, but i know i can do a lot better. i want so, so badly to do better. so what is holding me back? what's hindering me from excelling? why, do i let myself be average when i know that working harder could bring better results? no i'm not okay with settling with average. i'm not okay with giving up now. i put myself to a challenge, and i am my biggest enemy. there is something wrong with me, something missing. something misplaced, or misused. now's the time to identify and correct it.

i played the tune and i could recall the events but i couldn't feel it anymore.

20 or so days to final. preparation status: zero. fscreweddddd

oh and isn't it cruel how sometimes you may have something right in front of you that clearly points to... something good, proper, and right. but you don't take it, because the bad, improper, and what-you-can't-have, is greater a temptation? hahah.teenager.

"persistent patience and patient persistence,
can reconcile the expected and the unexpected."

Happening.

this was my october

this is currently my november. but will soon end up being more filled than october.

:)

so finally,

i've got one midterm result that is reasonably acceptable. the mean was 83, and i got 90, so i should be woohoo right? but nah, cos the standard deviation was quite high. to make it worse, the highest score was 98 (crazy), and belonged to the girl sitting right next to me -___- and she lost those 2 marks from one multiple-choice question... on the bright side, she's my group mate for the group project, so i guess we're gonna get an A for that ;)
but my other midterm, i did really badly. but i expected a bad mark, cos the midterm really was too hard for me, as in, i needed much more time than one week to study for that.
2 more results to go, and i know they won't be good. but i also know i tried my best.

now that the midterms are over, bec and i are gonna explore hk today!! wait for the pictures :)

and tomorrow i begin preparing for my finals.

hello hkust life.

oh lord. i am eternally fucked.

reasons i am happy today:

i slept for 10 hours
i woke up to a sms from bec
the first thing i saw on facebook was carol's face with the expanded nostrils and toothbrush, and i laughed out loud
then i saw mitchell commenting on my wall that i talk too much
i am not studying for my accounting midterm which is 7 hours later

tomorrow i have no midterm
i am going to shower now

i am in love with this mathematician on youtube who helped me understand a topic in 2 mins, which i previously failed to understand after reading my textbook and lecturers' notes for 3 fucking hours.

sometimes it really is crucial to find the correct way to do things, or you end up wasting a lot of time for nothing.

so that was 12 hours today. tomorrow i do this again. yay.

this is the point

where i really have to sit myself down and ask myself what i want to do.
as in, what are my interests?
what do i see myself doing in 5 years?
where do i see myself in 5 years?
what's the career path i should take?

and i have absolutely no clue.

Have you ever..

wished for something reaaaaally hard,
for a few days,

and you secretly tell yourself that it won't happen...so that you won't get too disappointed when it doesnt....cos life never gives you exactly what you want..

and then it actually happens?????

and you can barely believe your luck.

omg i'm ECSTATIC.

i woke up and reloaded my mail like 5 times,
and there it was:

As typhoon Megi continues its current track towards the Guangdong province and is expected to be closest to HK tomorrow morning, the NICExSLAM 2.0 Training Camp will be POSTPONED.

YESSSSSSS. now i have the weekend to study for my midterm (which are on monday and tuesday) so I won't fail too badly.
omg so happy.

:) !!!