revelation.

people can change so much.

either in a short time, or over a long time. you are different, yesterday, today.
is it the people who change? or the situation? priorities. mindsets. perceptions. reasons. mind, heart, realizations.

when you've made a mess, the worst thing to do is to continue to swim around in it, and to allow yourself to drown in the misery. some people do that and they miss out on the rest of what life has to offer. the best thing to do is to pick yourself up, and this time stand even taller. it is to know that everything happens for a reason. and this reason is great, it exists for the purpose of being another lesson, another step to making you almost invincible.
i believe so strongly in balance; meaning, when there's joy, what follows is inevitably, pain. but when there's pain, you grow stronger, then comes joy - from within. and then joy lingers, even when pain tries to engulf you, joy is still within. so, all is well. All is well.
at times when you have to face obstacles that you cannot avoid, are times when you realize you are much much stronger than you ever thought you were. with difficulties, come greatness.

nothing worthwhile is supposed to be easy.
do not let anything tie you down.

one of the greatest strength is calmness in the midst of chaos.

to be a bigger person.

i know i haven't written properly for a while. i have no excuse, other than the comforting fact that i simply have not experienced any emotional roller coasters for quite a while. i usually feel like writing when i'm emotionally-driven, and when i have the urge to transcribe my feelings. recently, its been a calm ride. i'm typing this on my mum's bed, with my two dogs sleeping under it. it's 10.23pm, almost bed-time. yes i've readjusted back to the healthier lifestyle. the smell of my shampoo is pleasant, the weather in penang is more so. i get up at seven, join my mum and a few elderlies at a park for taichi, we have breakfast together. then i come home, shower, talk to a few friends online. do a bit of leisure reading, read the news, check my email inboxes, feel guilty for a while about not doing anything academic-related this entire winter break, then forget about feeling guilty. some mornings, instead of taichi, i'd walk around the park while listening to my ipod. its amazing how certain songs can flow into your mind and bring back vivid memories, most which put a smile on my face, but a few which makes me glad the memory is a thing of the past.
there is nothing to complain about now. nothing to ask for, other than to be a bigger person. what i have may seem like inadequate to some, but i know i already have everything. and if anything more arrives, they would be considered rewards, blessings.
yay, tonight is another pleasant, peaceful night. :) goodnight all.

white

rereading what we wrote to each other somewhat scares me. the events so blazon clear, your words so familiar, sweet, a little bit embarrassing. my words, just plain embarrassing - gosh, how could i have been so kinky. it could have been yesterday, but in reality its been much longer. i would understand if you've forgotten by now, but once upon a time, it did matter.
i watched a movie called "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" today, in which a couple both got their memory of each other removed from their minds (some new technology) after their break up, because it hurt too much to remember. i don't want to forget, but if that's what it takes, i wish the memory of me could be erased from your head, both the good and the bad parts, the parts that screwed it all up, so that we could meet again as strangers, with no grudge. no reason to avoid each other. no awkwardness of past insults and misunderstandings.

forget everything, so that we could start over new.

i fear my growing ambition.
i fear this.. burning desire for a status, a recognised position and name. i'm intimidated by society's expectations. i fear the influence, the aggravating nudge behind my back that's pushing me somewhere, but i wonder if getting there will make me forget who i am. i'm forced to make a choice between what i really want, and what would make me appear impressive in this competitive community, and the problem is, i'm not sure which is which. part of me may be following the crowd, because it'd rather die than be left behind. but another part of me asks why none of this feels right yet. why there's no lightbulb that lights up and tells me - this is it! this is what you like apple! why there's no passion. there is interest, but what if it was formed methodologically? i want to be given more time, and more choices. i don't want to have to wake up in the morning and think, i have to do well, simply because i have to. there is something wrong with all of this, but i don't have the time or the energy to stop to correct it, or to find another option. every day is just spent on catching up, holding on, running after. every day is blending into the next. in these three months i have done more than i've ever in my 19 years, but here, what i've done is far from enough.
15 days. i'm doing what i can, but i know i can do a lot better. i want so, so badly to do better. so what is holding me back? what's hindering me from excelling? why, do i let myself be average when i know that working harder could bring better results? no i'm not okay with settling with average. i'm not okay with giving up now. i put myself to a challenge, and i am my biggest enemy. there is something wrong with me, something missing. something misplaced, or misused. now's the time to identify and correct it.

good for me.

i know that as long as i keep everything simple, and expect nothing more than i have now, i will be happy, constantly.
:)

okay, i swear, before today, i have never met a true bitch yet. omg omg bitch!!! as if my today wasn't bad enough already. bitch bitch bitch. thank god i had bec to call up to let out my anger or else i would have turned back and tripped you down the stairs or something. gosh. there really are so many different kinds of people in this world, but you bitch, you have astounded me, you have topped the list of bimbotic-bitchness. ok maybe its unfair for me to say this, but the world really doesn't need people like you. (that's a softer way to say, GO DIE.) omg if i had bec with me then i swear i would have said WHAT THE FUCK in your face, rather than under my breath. diu.
okay rant over. now i shall eat my eel rice and be happy.
don't let me meet you again cos i might attempt to trip you.
haha

i played the tune and i could recall the events but i couldn't feel it anymore.

20 or so days to final. preparation status: zero. fscreweddddd

oh and isn't it cruel how sometimes you may have something right in front of you that clearly points to... something good, proper, and right. but you don't take it, because the bad, improper, and what-you-can't-have, is greater a temptation? hahah.teenager.

spooky funneh

last night i sat on one of the sofas near the library's entrance and watched people walking in and out continuously. and i suddenly thought: "okay i should probably stop looking cos what if X walks in?", immediately followed by the thought, "wait, actually the library is the only safe place. cos X never comes to the library". then i looked up, and X walked past. not once but three times.

this morning i went to the bathroom and there was only one cubicle left so i went in that one. and as i hung up the clothes i thought, "something tells me the shower head isn't working properly", sure enough, it changed from hot to cold and back to hot water, every 7 seconds or so.
as i walked back to my room, i thought, "haha, now what? is my roommate gonna lock me out or something? now that would be funny." and when i turned the door knob it wouldn't budge. so i stood there laughing.
when i recovered i went to get the wardens to open my door for me, and i had to pay 10 dollars, which happened to be the exact amount i had left in my wallet.
now lets see what else will happen today :P
please don't tell me im developing some sort of sixth sense cos i don't want it.

HAHA

Did so much work today!! HAPPY. Bec and i sat in her hall's common room and actually did work, without distracting each other and getting on each other's nerves every 5 minutes. i call this success, and a little miraculous.
:)
yay i'm feeling good today

for the past week i have rarely seen my room mate. she rushes back to the room at 10pm to shower, only to rush out again at 12am for another meeting, come back at 6am, then at 8am is awoken by phonecalls and rushes off to another event. her face is pale, and she is close to tears, her side of the room is a battlefield. if i was her i would have broken down already. all this for some university businses society? seriously? skipping all classes for 2 weeks and getting like an hour of sleep per day, for some business society?!
its a miracle that people in hk live till their 80s.

four days of being in a depressed state,
and this evening, i'm finally okay :)
it's good to be back.
now may all the evil forces of distraction stay away from this fragile soul,
she is afraid.
so leave her at her simple peaceful state of mind, thank you.

conversations in the lower bunk.

X: "I think you are a player."
A: "yea? and what makes you think so?"
"I dunno, i just think you're one."
"Well I'm not"
"so you don't play games with people?"
"nope. Are YOU a player?"
"that's for you to find out"
"haha..what makes you think i want to find out?"
"what makes you think you don't want to find out?



"one thing you should know, i'm a bad guy"
"yea? bad guys are attractive."

"but i'm also a nice guy."





i admit, i'm utterly charmed. i'm grinning like an idiot. but experience has taught me well, this kind of guy..is too charming for my own good. control control control! ok, time to get back to work.

halloween night,

i bumped into this guy i hadnt seen around for a while, and me being me, i asked "would you like to go for dinner some time?" and he said, "sure, what about saturday?". So we went for dinner at a food court which had Pepper Lunch. And he had some beef thing, whilst i had some eel rice thing. And then he said, "you know the harry potter movie is coming out soon right?" and then i'm like, "oh the harry potter movies are crap". so we started talking about harry potter, lord of the rings, and movies in general. and then we walked around the mall with no direction (we just followed this little girl in a purple fairie dress - dressed up for halloween - awwwww). Then he decided he needs to buy some juice, so we went to the supermarket. then we decided to go back to campus cos we couldnt decide on what to do, so we got on the bus, then halfway there i mentioned the uni-bar, and he said it has really good banana-split. then suddenly he craved dessert. so i said, "lets go for dessert". so we didnt get off at the uni stop, instead we went to another mall. and we had dessert. and throughout the night we laughed a lot. and made sarcastic jokes at each other. he told me how his heater has exploded, and i told him how i broke my roommate's hair-dryer and i dont know how to tell her. and we talked about room mates, and ust's stupid room moving rules. and the theory of "delta-t", and where the new ust campus will be. and we joked about how "chinese" he is, and talked about IB, and CAS, and TOK, and his teacher,and study techniques, internships, future, charities. and he owes me 20 dollars from dessert. basically, he's a guy two years my senior, a guy i barely know, and yet we talked for 3 hours about the randomest things. I found out his name is pronounced "Lu-weh", instead of "Lu" (lieuwe). and that the weird extra part of his name he added on facebook means "determined", in japanese. and he is: good looking, white, smart, and smells good. or in other words, what more can i ask for? and i didnt feel awkward with him. but no, i felt absolutely no romantic inclination. and in that sense, it really was a good night. i think there's something wrong with my lovey-dovey hormones. they are absent. and believe me or not, this is what i've always wanted. this is as perfect as it can be.

and i'm just thinking..

wouldn't it be nice, if for a change,
this year i actually had that special someone to celebrate christmas with.

one of the biggest question

that bothers me is:
why is there such immense inequality? in a lot of things.
i've got questions that i feel for, and i want answers.



and how wonderful it would be, if i could find someone who understands my thoughts, and feels the same way i do. who feels as deeply as i do. oh what i would give, to meet such a person.

contract.

i'm in one of my writing moods, but i don't have anything specific that i want to write about. i'm actually really sleepy now, but the thing is, when am i never sleepy nowadays? i have an hour now before i head for a meeting, and i should really use it to study. but should i decide against it and take a nice (and much needed) nap instead?
i can sense changes happening. in me. both mentally, and health-wise. the first being for the better (i think), and the latter being a deterioration. it's the lack of sleep, the hours sitting in the cold, the hours of sitting, the lack of exercise, and the age. mental-wise..i'm able to ignore a lot of the things that i once naively prioritized. i had too much free time back then. nevertheless, when i'm not so sleepy and tensed about my academic achievements, i'm actually still the 5 year old me. but yea, i am capable of shutting out the world when i want to, and i enjoy my own company.

what about them.

i hate this weather.
the only thing that's good about it is that i think my hair has gotten softer. other than that, this weather makes me want to do nothing, when it's clearly shouting crawl under your covers and hibernate till winter's over!
many people would go, pah, how cold can hong kong get? (exactly my words to my mum before i came to hk, when she warned me to bring more clothes..) but seriously, it's cold. cos there's no central heating anywhere. and ust is by the sea. no wonder the english talk about weather all the time. the damn weather has been the dominant thought thats been circulating my mind for the past 3 days. i swear i'm going to buy winter clothes tonight.
and last night as i lay in bed, i've decided that when i start making money, the first thing i will do is set up (or support an existing) charity organization that distributes winter clothes to the less fortunate. there, that's the first part of my dream formulated.

habit.

dear confidant,

i dont know exactly when it began, but it's become a thing where every night i would video skype with you. even if only for 10 minutes, it somehow completes my day. to hear your voice comforts me. to hear the crackling static sound comforts me too. why's it comfortable? because we don't even have to talk. it's just the presence. and because it means nothing more than this.
thank you for listening to me rant about my tiredness, my exams, on an almost daily basis.
you're right, i just need someone i know i can go to, and will be there. but you're also right when you say that the only person i should need is myself. nevertheless, i'm just hoping you'd stick around for as long as you can.
because you're a habit i hope to keep.

reasons i am happy today:

i slept for 10 hours
i woke up to a sms from bec
the first thing i saw on facebook was carol's face with the expanded nostrils and toothbrush, and i laughed out loud
then i saw mitchell commenting on my wall that i talk too much
i am not studying for my accounting midterm which is 7 hours later

tomorrow i have no midterm
i am going to shower now

one-way.

i think it's really bad how...there are people around you who treat you right. who watch your moves, and cling on to every word you say. who find ways to help you whenever they can, and is happy when you pay them that little bit of attention. just like how you treat this other person. ain't it sad when it only goes one way? all of us wanting what we can't have..

note: thoughts of before, not my current state. :)