revelation.

people can change so much.

either in a short time, or over a long time. you are different, yesterday, today.
is it the people who change? or the situation? priorities. mindsets. perceptions. reasons. mind, heart, realizations.

when you've made a mess, the worst thing to do is to continue to swim around in it, and to allow yourself to drown in the misery. some people do that and they miss out on the rest of what life has to offer. the best thing to do is to pick yourself up, and this time stand even taller. it is to know that everything happens for a reason. and this reason is great, it exists for the purpose of being another lesson, another step to making you almost invincible.
i believe so strongly in balance; meaning, when there's joy, what follows is inevitably, pain. but when there's pain, you grow stronger, then comes joy - from within. and then joy lingers, even when pain tries to engulf you, joy is still within. so, all is well. All is well.
at times when you have to face obstacles that you cannot avoid, are times when you realize you are much much stronger than you ever thought you were. with difficulties, come greatness.

nothing worthwhile is supposed to be easy.
do not let anything tie you down.

one of the greatest strength is calmness in the midst of chaos.

took a trip down memory lane

by watching video recordings my mum made when i was a toddler. clips of kindergarten days, playground episodes, disneylands, performances, dad&mum's company dinners. a time when i was curious about just about everything, when i wasn't afraid of singing in front of a room full of adults, when i didn't cry unless hurt. a time when my family was..bigger, more complete. a time when grandma was a lot younger, and when mum looked as beautiful as a china doll. a time when daddy had a big belly, and looked more korean than ever. a time where our family looked..more well off. i still have that book of autographs of disney character signatures.
there's a chinese saying that goes: 三岁定八十 , which translates as the 3 year old you determines the 80 year old you. i think it's quite true.
mum kept saying, "time really goes past faster than you think... all these things of the past..are the past and can't be repeated."
life is so so short.
mum, you started with nothing, worked your own way up and built your empire. i'm so proud of you. i'm want to grow up to become just like you. (minus the marriage bit)

:)

back from a good trip to Singapore, re-united with some amazing people. so glad to know that time may have passed, but some things are still the same. :)

BUT lo & behold, amidst the laughter and childish-publicly-embarrassing behaviour, all of us are actually, noticeably, growing up.

re

christmas day, took a nap after coming back from taichi. the dreamless me dreamt. of him, of an argument. woke up in a daze. knowing it's not time yet.

------------------------------------------------

this winter break is perfect. i'm giving myself one week of proper relaxation, not gonna think about my responsibilities. just read, eat, taichi, watch tv, meet some friends. in laidback island its so easy to live in their style. this is rehabililation. goodbye 3am sleep time, goodbye dark circles under eyes, goodbye everything else unhealthy that ust has loaded on me. ah, why did i ever leave penang in the first place? :P

christmas shopping

to celebrate the end of the finals, i went shopping. i bought sooo many things, but none for myself. i love christmas shopping. i ended up feeling so happy after buying things for the people i love.. and so happy that i could find things that i know would light up their faces when they see it. believe it or not, this is the first time i went christmas shopping, cos for the past years, i've just been at home, and had family meals to celebrate christmas. and if you know me well you would know i'm rather kiamsiap when it comes to money. but this year, everything's different.
there are a number of things i've learned in this first semester at uni:

-planning is very important
-having nothing to do is something to appreciate
-having a lot to do is even more appreciable
-sleep cures a lot of things
-time is money
-there are always gonna be people with really bad attitudes, who put you off, and you'll have to tolerate it. but i'm so tempted to ask them, "do you really hate your job that much?" or, "what's wrong? can i help you?" and i think one day i will.
-courage is something to build
-confidence is sexy and attracts me
-after bec's departure, instead of throwing myself at other people, i learned to spend time with myself. and right now i'm the happiest i've ever been. because this kind of happiness is not..the bursting time. but rather the type where, you can be walking down the road with a stupid grin on your face for no particular reason, but knowing that you're alive
-take your work seriously, but not too serious that you forget the bigger picture
-love people. i read somewhere that when you keep getting disappointed by people and relationships, and you get angry, then you spend time with yourself, and gradually at some point you learn to love yourself, then you love people. just anyone, unconditionally. i think this is true.
-i've learned that nothing that's worthwhile is easy, and its a matter of whether you think it's really that worthwhile
-everything happens for a reason
-i still have the person that i met a year and a half ago in my heart, and im starting to believe this might not change.
-warm weather is something to love
-i love it here, but i subconsciously hate it too, cos of the stress. but experience has taught me that whatever's bitter will have its benefit later.
-part of me loves the way things are now, but part of me is secretly hoping there was that little bit more. but i know i'll have to wait.
-life can be unfair, but i am one of the lucky ones. and therefore, i must make the most out of what i am given.

HKUST

thought i'd share with you some photos of my campus; these are taken from a photography contest:

The Sundial

this is the entrance to the campus, and every time i come back from outside of campus, i feel a sense of warmth and belonging when i walk past this area.

The Library

the first photo shows the lowest level of the library (of seven floors), which is also my favourite floor. i like the lowest floor because i feel that it is the most distant from the rest of the world (oh the entire campus builds itself downwards, so you get LowerGround floor 3 or something, instead of 3rd floor). when i'm with friends i would sit on one of those big tables in the first photo, but when i'm alone i might take a cubicle seat because i like the isolation - yes i'm a loner like that. the best seats are the ones shown in the photo, next to the window, which presents a breath-taking seaview. but those seats are usually all taken - by people who come here at 7:30am and camp at the library till it closes.

The Cafe



the hang out spot for the International peeps. of the numerous choices of places you can eat on campus, the internationals are stubborn, and tend to keep to their own kind, and would rather come here every single day. when the weather is nice and there's a light breeze, these seats are a perfect place for lunch and chat with your friends.





The Pier

my favourite place on campus after the library. had some heart-to-heart talks with different people here, drank beer with a group of guys on the beach, sang with a friend, sat on the ledge alone and thought about a lot of things.

The Buildings



despite the notorious and highly appropriate nickname of Hong Kong University of Stress and Tension, i'm in love with this place.
I'm comfortable with it's people, i'm getting used to its pace, and i'm more than glad that i'm here.

after hearing your words through another person, despite not knowing whether they're really yours, i surprised myself by being able to control my emotions last night. i kept replaying your words in my head, about how "we're barely old enough to control our emotions, how could we expect ourselves to look after another person?", and how "the only way to hold our control over another person, to be stronger, is by not falling for him/her". I learned from your words.
no one can get inside your head. you're a boys' boy. you're stubborn like shit, and you keep to your principles. and i respect that, cos that makes you different.

i miss

the beach in penang.
and going there with you girls, for lunch, or just to..be there.
everything was so natural. so smile worthy.
i miss you girls.

faces.

so this morning i went to sell "flags" for charity. it's this common thing in hk where you get people on the road to donate money, and in turn they get a token of gratitude in the form of a sticker (aka flag). today i saw how there are people who would stop to delve deep into their bags for money to help people they don't know, whilst there are others who have money in their hands but choose to avoid eye contact with me and keep all the spare change to themselves. i wonder if there's a way to read from people's faces which category they fall within: the givers or the takers. I wonder if there's a sort of vibe that radiates from the people who have a kinder heart than others. I tried to identify, it was not easy.

so which are you? the giver or the taker?

during breakfast

this morning, mum said, "find a malaysian guy in uni and marry him, then come back to malaysia''.

lol, mums.

two sides to everything.

so two days ago i found out i got allocated to Hall 5, instead of the Hall 6 that i applied for. so for ten minutes i was like BLARGHHHHH why can't i get what i want for once?! then i calmed down and realized its not so bad cos there are people out there who are homeless. THEN, my very thoughtful hkust friend told me on msn that hall 5 is the worst hall, cos it has the smallest rooms (single rooms are cramped with bunk beds. so two people share rooms meant for one person. so basically if i stood in the middle of the room & stretched out my arms i can touch both walls). to add salt to the wound, at 2am there are stupid boys who will make a lot of noise from running and playing along the corridor because they're immature like that. so snap! that got me back in the BLARGHHHH-state again.

THEN, i discovered the hall 5 website and found out, hey this isn't so bad.. hall 5 is the only hall with a Music society, and hall 5 has won sports championship (against six other halls) for 8 consecutive years. then i started stalking some of the Exco (executive committee) members on facebook :P, and the only one who seemed interesting, happens to be the very one who's taken (see i have good taste :P ). later on, i found out from my hkust mentor that one of the excos is apparently quite popular amongst the hk girls (some applied to hall 5 for the sake of seeing him more) because he's handsome. so bec and i stalked...and we were like... coughthisishandsome?! -__- lets just be nerds. haha.

but overall i'm quite happy with hall 5. i think everything happens for a reason la. oh and i found this video on facebook of their Hall 5 cheer, and its nothing like carol's "PHARMACY OIIII" thing (thank goodness :P though its rather cute), in fact the moves are pretty cool. and i cant wait to learn it. and i cant wait to meet these people. and smile nicely at their handsome (heh) faces.

:)

so today i gave my first taichi lesson. and suprisingly,

i liked it.

hk

i am writing from the hong kong international airport. i've been away for two weeks. 14 days, exactly how long i've been away last summer. i made new friends like i did last year, but this summer was very different. it wasn't spectacular, nor exciting. but it was peaceful, stable, busy, and healthy. early mornings, late nights, polluted air, bad traffic, kind-hearted people, laughter, getting lost, finding cheap deals, taichi, massages, friends, football, dumplings, and more dumplings, taxi, cash, time flew.
whether it was coincidence, or my sub-conscious self leading me, i ended up going to almost all of the places i went with him last year. it wasn't planned, but somehow i found myself walking in the footprints from a year ago; but the footprints, they're fading.

being in hong kong, one thing was crystal clear: there are choices, opportunities, tension. in a month i'll be there, but no longer for a carefree summer vacation.
and when there's a new beginning, it's time to move on.

that's all for now. time to board my flight.

x

one

with understanding, comes forgiveness. and i get it now, and is better now.

i'm utterly exhausted, and it's only the first day of this long-awaited summer. yesterday with the girls was very awesome, and i was planning to write a post about it, but am too exhausted now to do so. it's cos of the driving lesson this morning, and now my right arm is five shades darker than the rest of my body. i've never been sunburnt - or this sunburnt in my life.
last night i've cleared out my wardrobe, and wrote in my diary that i've neglected for a couple of months. and this morning i got up at 7.30 after receiving carol's text about today's beautiful sky, and went for a walk with bobo. and right now i'm eating ice cream and chatting with bec, in 2 hours i'll go pick up K's mama from the airport.
first day of summer, and its amaaaaaazing already:)

so close.

i cannot agree more.

i'm so getting that for my future child.. i might just get one for myself too. and wear it to grad.

one more subject's paper to go, and hello summer:)

this one's for bec:

this one for gen:

so today was nai's last paper:) and lidia found a bottle of coke and mentos we bought a couple months' back, so off to the beach we went. didn't work, the bottle toppled over:( found dead fish, named it Reindeer and performed a burying ceremony. nai and bec ran and scream in waves. lids and bindi hugged each other. i stood under the green umbrella, and watched. ah, such pretty faces. such familiar personalities, voices, laughs, quirks. how i wish i could pack all of you and bring you to college with me. thank goodness bec's coming. and you all promise you must come visit us okay? okay.

every day is a gift

this afternoon, like many other afternoons, i was sitting in coffee bean with naima, revising. but this afternoon was special. because this afternoon could have never happened.

has it ever occurred to you that every small thing that happens in your life, is only but standing on the brink of not happening? every moment, be it bad or good, becomes so special if you remind yourself that you were fortunate enough to be presented with an extra day, an extra hour, a minute, a second. someone else might not have been as lucky.

it felt really good sitting opposite naima, it felt good hugging bindiya and getting to feel that she's physically here, still here. it felt amazing laughing when i flicked pen caps at naima, and it felt even better to see that smile on her face. it was such a pleasant surprise to turn around to find ms. tan (the maths teacher) sitting at the table behind us, and see that familiar kind smile on her face. it warmed my heart to see a young man pat a Labrador sitting outside starbucks with his owner, and that look in the young man's eyes told me he saw the dog not as a dog, but much more than that. it was great hearing wei ling's voice on the phone. it made me smile seeing a mother come in carrying a baby, and as she goo-goo-ga-gad to the baby, naima laughed. and then suddenly you just understand that, as people die, new babies are born. people come, and people go. no one can stay forever.

bindiya, i didn't know what to say to you, i've never experienced the pain of losing a friend. i know why you're asking, "why do people have to die?", ''why him?", because i asked the same questions when my dog passed away a few years ago. she meant the whole world to me. i have no answer, but i can tell you that you can live for your friend. all of you, his friends, his family, anyone who had known him, live for him by living your life to the fullest. as long as his memory lives in you, he's still here.

i went for an evening walk with my dad after dinner. i stretched out my arms as i walked, and felt the wind on my fingertips. i breathed in, very deeply. how could i have forgotten how good the wind feels on your skin? and how the air smells like grass, and heat, and.. life.
it's so simple. it's too beautiful. everything around us, every day, is a gift.

we're alive.

tickety tock

1.5 weeks away from the IB finals and i'm finally being productive!
this is the most productive i've been in the last 2 years, wait no, the last 18 years of my life. hahahha talk about last minute pressure
anyways, i'm still pretty sane. which is surprising. haha. okay bye.
study hard my lovely booly mooly coolie (oo hi carol!) poolies! without you girls i'd be insane. which i am, you may wish to argue.

duuuude..

now that was intimidating.

law interview with two english lawyer professors (through the phone):

atmosphere: excessively serious
mood: tense
mind: tight, almost blank
eyes: reading from script i prepared earlier (lol)
thoughts: "oh shit. how do i answer this?!"
my comment and feedback: why is it that when i'm giving nervous chuckles, the other side had no response?! that only results in awkward silences, which makes me even more nervous. I wish I was there to judge their facial expressions. And why were the two of them firing me with questions I couldn't answer? I felt like a complete idiot.
to sum them up in one word: emotionless
me: brimming with emotions.
conclusion: i need to seriously reconsider this law option.

happy almost-ending

is it possible that as you grow older your mind grows younger? because i feel like there's a lot of thoughts that i just shrug off my shoulders, or if something weighs heavily on my mind, i just sleep on it. though it's possible that it's the heat in penang that's doing this to me. i'm quite physically tired, and huffy, like today i rudely answered in a hustle, "i-duno." to mayuri when she asked me a bio question, instead of taking my time to answer patiently like i usually do. i made a mental-apology though, but couldn't be bothered to vocalize it.
on the other hand, i'm very mentally happy, and the best part is that i don't even have to remind myself to be this way, like i used to do. my mind is just at a permanent happy mode. it's like i have no time or energy left to be anything but this.

we went to dear old sunset bistro after school today. bec & nai ordered baileys, bindi took a while but finally decided on ice blended mocha, lidia had nothing, while i had my usual diet coke. did i tell you i love the feeling of being in a car full of girls and hump-to-the-beat music, and i love-hate the adrenaline from knowing that with naima's speed of driving, there is a high possibility we could crash and die any moment? and i love sitting around a table, and having the most random of girl-talks: about uni, summer flings, marriages, future, future, now. most of all, i love it when someone does something stupid (most likely to be bec or bindi) and everyone hyperventilates in fits of unstoppable laughter. and you know what i really like is that we are each so different from each other, and we know each other so well, and we've even said hateful things to each other, but in the end, its down to this happy almost-ending :) i'm so fortunate to have all this as part of my final memories in penang. simple is good. and i suddenly feel like saying, you know what the best part of not being in love is? i dont ever toss and turn in bed for hours anymore. i don't have to wait for phone calls or jump when a sms arrives. i dont have to wait for anything, wonder about anything, plan for anything. i feel so free and blissful. i feel like i have a lot of time, and i feel like i'm using it well. bec i understand why you don't like attachment now. this is absolutely wonderful.

i say my mind is growing younger because you know how kids can be joyfully indulged in one thing at one moment, and then a distraction comes along and the kid moves on to this new thing and forgets about the last one? and its just happy, happy, ooo butterfly!, happy. no deep philosophical crap. no i-wonder-if-i-look-pretty-today. no i-wish-i-had-something-better. just: i like this thing in front of me, it's making me very happy, and the rest of the world, please go away and come back later, while i'm focusing on this source of joy. i've been laughing a lot lately, thanks to the girls ;) and i haven't been worrying about anything - even awaiting the hong kong university replies is just an exciting feeling.
it's not that i don't think philosophical thoughts anymore - i still do. but only when i come across something that a friend has written on their blog or facebook. like just now i read this very meaningful post this guy wrote on facebook. he was talking life, appreciation, and love. you know, the sort of thing i usually talk about. and i nodded in recognition by the similiarity of thoughts him and i share. i felt the familiarity of the feelings he is feeling now. and i admired how well he could express himself. but that was all. i would have left a comment, but i was too tired to do so. and i also knew that someday, very soon, he will find his way. boys just take a teeeeny bit longer than girls to understand and mature, no? ;)
anyhow, i have not become an emotionlessly retarded creature who only knows about laughing and spending time with the girl friends. i still cry, i still reflect, i still remember.

oh btw, i tied a cherry-knot with my tongue! i'm officially a good kisser!! bet you were dying to know... ;)

and no, the chinese kid is not me.

17th july, 2009, pass midnight.

we were in a dark cinema, yet there was just about enough light for me to make out the faint outline of your features. i'm not sure why, perhaps i thought they were beautiful, but i reached out tentatively with my finger and brushed it along your eyelashes. and you: you didn't pull back in surprise, you didn't ask me what on earth i was doing, you didn't even raise an eyebrow. no question written on your face; either you were very used to people touching your eyelashes, or you, like me, felt ____. you didn't react the way any other person would have done (i know, i've tried). instead, you smiled, closed your eyes, and you opened them again - just in time to see me smile back at you.

so natural, so right. come to think of it, was i testing you? if so, you've passed - with distinction.

[i left a blank space cos i can't think of a word for that feeling.]