so today i heard something that made me realize that for the past one year and eight months, i have been right.

you can't imagine how good that made me feel.

choices,

take one and you lose the other. you could intend to pick the better choice, to pick the one you like more, or the one that would make you happier. but sometimes, in a rarer situation, you pick the one that's neither of the three. simply because it's the right choice. one that despite all the misery you might have to face, you would not feel regret. for once, i think i did it right.

this morning in mum's car, on the way to the park, out of the blue, she suddenly said "you shouldn't fall for a guy like kaiser.. their family, it's complicated. you have a soft heart, apple. you have a.. a good heart. don't wait for a guy like ah kai."

i didn't reply. i don't know why she suddenly brought up this topic cos we haven't talked about him for many months. but tears welled up in my eyes, and i thought, "oh mum...how do you know everything?

white

rereading what we wrote to each other somewhat scares me. the events so blazon clear, your words so familiar, sweet, a little bit embarrassing. my words, just plain embarrassing - gosh, how could i have been so kinky. it could have been yesterday, but in reality its been much longer. i would understand if you've forgotten by now, but once upon a time, it did matter.
i watched a movie called "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" today, in which a couple both got their memory of each other removed from their minds (some new technology) after their break up, because it hurt too much to remember. i don't want to forget, but if that's what it takes, i wish the memory of me could be erased from your head, both the good and the bad parts, the parts that screwed it all up, so that we could meet again as strangers, with no grudge. no reason to avoid each other. no awkwardness of past insults and misunderstandings.

forget everything, so that we could start over new.

i know that from now onwards, for quite a while, there will always be a tear in my eye. and every morning i will wake up with a day filled with things to do, but at the back of my mind, i'll feel a little empty because you are missing. but i'm feeling better now. calming down to think about it, and spending some more time with you, i think i can think more rationally now. this is so hard, but this is how life goes. thank you, so so much, for the priceless memories. and i wish you, bless you, with only the very best in life.

Want to hear the truth?

the truth is that every time i have to go through something difficult, like a test i'm not prepared for, or before i have to make a speech, i say to myself, "it's okay, think of him, think of how he would have done this. how easily he would have done this. And you can do the same. Take it easy, and smile through it", and then i'm reassured.
the thing is, there is no reason for me to think of you anymore. i do not wonder or hope whether you'll be back in the future, i only have you at the back of my mind, a place i go to for reassurace, a place i go to to remind myself of what feels seamlessly right. but of course it can't be perfect; of course it ends up not working out. if it did it would be a fairytale, not real life.

1.2 years

you know, i think, in the end it's because i can't just sit here and let the gap between us grow too wide. we're already distances, times, intimacies, apart. i can't let it happen to our status, or ability, or our level of success in life too. in the end, it's because i want to do as well as you. or even better. so that it gives you a reason to turn to me, someday in the not-so-near future.

swat.

maybe it's like mosquito bites.
if you don't notice it, it would slowly disappear after a while, on its own.
but if you happen to see it, touch it - there goes your peace. the damn thing will itch and itch, and you'll scratch and scratch, until something else comes along to distract you.

then you'd forget, and the itch, it gradually goes away. until the next mosquito lands lightly on your skin...

security.

last night, when i was lost, alone, and didn't know what to do, i felt like i really needed you there with me, and then everything would be okay. but you couldn't be there, and i learned to cope on my own. i managed, but if you were here, you would have taken over and i wouldn't have had to worry about a thing.

later on, i lay on the sand and admired the full moon, and imagined, hoped, that a million miles and a seven hour time zone away, you would look up too and see what i was seeing.

leap of faith

today i saw

and i'm reminded as to why.
i'm reminded as to hoping for what i probably cannot get. but still believing nevertheless. i miss those dubious looks you give me, and that ability you had of picking out things i didn't before know about myself. and i miss, i really do, your embrace. and how i didn't have to try to get, and keep your attention, because you were already paying it, full.
i'm reminded of that night at the shanghai restaurant, where i sat, tentative, stealing glances at your four guy friends, and wondered why on earth i insisted on coming for dinner with people i didn't know. but you sat next to me, and you let me tell you what you could and couldn't eat because you're sick. and you listened when i said you couldn't eat that sizhuan spicy noodle cos it'd stimulate your cough. some time during dinner, you turned towards me and made that face in the picture above, and you bit me lightly on my arm. and then i never forgot.

and there's just so many so many reasons as to why, despite time and all, i'm still here. and the fact that every time i look into the mirror and see that mole on my right cheek, i see you. well that didn't come out sounding very nice :P
but being me, i'm afraid. not of not getting what i want, but of thinking i saw something that was never there in the first place.
but yea, i don't love. i simply remember.
above all, i wish that you're having a good life, and that you'd always be making those silly faces you make. and that you'd always, naturally, be the life of the show.
i should probably privatize this blog so you wouldn't accidentally stumble upon this and label me a stalker. but whatever, it cannot get any worse than it already is.

and yay korea got in to the 16s :)

ten

change.

it's pretty scary when you see a couple who's been together for what feels like forever, and has been admired by everyone, break up. it makes you think, whoa, if it can even happen to them, then what about the rest of us?! it makes you wonder if anything ever lasts. and whether anything can remain unchanged for a life time.

maybe everything changes. feelings, people, priorities, interests, will change. but maybe at the end, if both persons decide to turn back and look for what they initially had.. maybe that's when they really hold on, and never let go again -

no matter how much the world around them changes.

the first time we met

i wish things were still the same.

this could be fiction.

I remember being disappointed, because through the phone you sounded cold and dismissive, as if you couldn’t care less whether I joined you for dinner or not. How I wanted to pretend that I didn’t care either, by not joining you – but in the end I gave in and went. I was 20 minutes early. in the middle of the MTR station, leaning against a wall, I watched as the world went by. The city rushed past me without a second glance, everyone absorbed in their own little worlds. In such crowds, every individual inevitably becomes insignificant.

I wondered if you could find me here, there being so many MTR exits, so many crossroads to choose from. I imagined you being frustrated, and giving up, because why put so much effort in searching for just another insignificant face in the crowd? But you found me. I watched as you approached me. I liked the strange way you walk, like a hockey player – slightly hunched, allowing your shoulders to lead the way. “long time no see” you greeted, though it was only the day before that we met. “yea, long time no see” I replied, grinning from ear to ear.

You introduced me to your friends, I politely said hi, then tried to hide behind my hair. “aw come on, I know you’re not the shy type”, you encouraged. And sure enough, your friends and I warmed up in no time. Especially your best friend, H, he was so cute and easy-going, I liked him instantly. During dinner, I spent most of the night talking to H, and you suddenly turned to me and bit me playfully on my arm. H murmured a comment, so quick and soft, I almost missed it. I asked, “what did you say?” and H replied, “oh, nothing.” But I heard him alright. “something’s going on between you two”, thats what he said. Those simple words, and some other things he said later on, made me ponder for quite some time. I tore those words apart, analyzed them, put them together again, flipped them over, inspected them from every angle. Those were just words. But they came from your best friend’s observations of you and me. Maybe I trusted him. Maybe I wanted to trust him.

Fragments: We went drinking with your friends, you were sick that night so I didn’t want you to drink. You asked why can’t you drink when you’re sick. I called a waitress over and said, “hello, this gentleman would like to know why – “ and you covered my mouth with your hand. The waitress laughed. I let you order something light. You played with piggy who was hanging on my bag. You took piggy’s hand and made him say hi to me. Piggy’s never spoken to me before, you gave him life. A week later I gave you piggy as a farewell gift, and I kept elephant. I told you to wash piggy cos he was turning grey. You said washing him would remove my scent. I think I blushed. I sniffed piggy out, and told you piggy didn’t smell good. You laughed. Back to the drinking night: Your friends ordered shisha. You told me to try some, I wouldn’t. you asked me if you could take some, I said no, and you listened (but I know you sneakily took some when I pretended to look away). I felt like your wife. Shisha smoke filled the air, H was such an avid smoker. he looked so stoned, i was quite worried. You kept sweeping the smoke away from my face. You scolded H for puffing the smoke on my face. It’s strange. At moments like these I felt so loved by you, but at other moments I feel like I don't mean a thing to you.

Eight months of miscommunication, and I’m down to this. I try to remember every detail, but inevitably, there are bits and pieces missing. This could be fiction, this could be my memory.

eight.

last night i had a dream. in this dream, we met again, and we didn't mention the past because there wasn't a need to. in this dream, we were slow-dancing on a yacht, laughing at your mum's jokes, riding on a mini-bus home. in this dream, we were doing all the things that i can only imagine doing with you.