this is the selfish side of me speaking.

have you ever sat in one place and had utterly no idea where you want to go next. you scroll through your phone book and there is not one person who you want to talk to, though talking to someone is what you need the most. the one person that you trust, the one you can tell everything to, is the very person who's causing the pain. i have never felt like this before. there is something at the back of my throat, and i burst into tears at random moments. what is this? we had something that was closer than friendship. we don't say it, but clearly we were best friends. i had with you something that was closer than anything i've ever had with anyone. closer than my parents, closer than any friend, closer than my best friend in high school, closer than any of my exes. for god's sake, i spent every single day of the past four months with you. yes it's uni life where i meet a lot of new people, but really, it was uni life for US. everything was US. first time i went clubbing, US. first heartbreak, US. boys, US. lunch, US. bitches, US. skype, US. day and night, i see you. so how can you rip away such a huge chunk of me just like that? how can you just take it away without any warning? it's like i built a dreamhouse brick by brick, and then someone comes along and knocks down all the walls, takes away all my furniture and leaves me with the bare land and tells me, "huh, i guess you have to start from scratch again". here it comes again, the tears. i dont even recognize this feeling you know? it feels like we are breaking up, but you are not my boyfriend, you are like my husband. so it's like a divorce. its like you are moving out, and i'm staying in the same house. but alone now. yes there are so many other people, but how, how do i look for someone who i trusted enough to share a bed with? who i feel so comfortable just wearing ugly clothes and no makeup. gym, lunch, dinner, minibuses, food, laughing fits. every single fucking memory. its killing me. its killing me. no i cannot do this alone. why now. why when i already feel like im on the brink of breaking down. is this a test? dear god, is this a test. well i've failed, i've broken down. i surrender. it's like taking everything away from me and leaving me with a hard shell that's glued together just because i still have to live. i feel empty, soul-less, lost. it's too sudden. too sudden. my entire memory here consists of you. how am i supposed to wake up tomorrow and naturally reach for the phone to text you only to remember.. no, this is a habit i have to get rid of. this is too much for me to handle, i admit, i surrender. im fluctuating from numb to emotional to numb. i need to study. but all i feel like doing is crying. i saw xiang just now, and only yesterday he was my biggest nightmare, but today i looked him in the face and i was just completely numb, because what is he compared to you? i know i am going to come out of this and be stronger than i ever was. more mature and independent than i ever was. but im not ready for this kind of growing up. you were here, every day, and once i got so sick of you i told you i needed a break. i did not appreciate on the surface, but deep inside i knew, what am i supposed to do without you? you once said, "thank god i have you here apple, i would be so lost without you." and i laughed and told you that you need other friends. but look how hypocritical i am now. yes i can have other friends. but none who will make me feel the way you do. none who i can talk to like i do to you. none whom i behave with like i do with you. i cannot believe this is happening. i cannot believe you are giving up when it has just started. i cannot fucking deal with this. i dont even know what i can do now to make myself feel better. all i can do is sit and type everything that's going through my head. i feel like going into a coma and then waking up and forgetting everything that ever happened, and just starting over as a clean slate. i feel shattered and directionless.