i fear my growing ambition.
i fear this.. burning desire for a status, a recognised position and name. i'm intimidated by society's expectations. i fear the influence, the aggravating nudge behind my back that's pushing me somewhere, but i wonder if getting there will make me forget who i am. i'm forced to make a choice between what i really want, and what would make me appear impressive in this competitive community, and the problem is, i'm not sure which is which. part of me may be following the crowd, because it'd rather die than be left behind. but another part of me asks why none of this feels right yet. why there's no lightbulb that lights up and tells me - this is it! this is what you like apple! why there's no passion. there is interest, but what if it was formed methodologically? i want to be given more time, and more choices. i don't want to have to wake up in the morning and think, i have to do well, simply because i have to. there is something wrong with all of this, but i don't have the time or the energy to stop to correct it, or to find another option. every day is just spent on catching up, holding on, running after. every day is blending into the next. in these three months i have done more than i've ever in my 19 years, but here, what i've done is far from enough.
15 days. i'm doing what i can, but i know i can do a lot better. i want so, so badly to do better. so what is holding me back? what's hindering me from excelling? why, do i let myself be average when i know that working harder could bring better results? no i'm not okay with settling with average. i'm not okay with giving up now. i put myself to a challenge, and i am my biggest enemy. there is something wrong with me, something missing. something misplaced, or misused. now's the time to identify and correct it.