mellow

i overheard their conversation. and in that instant something inside me changed. it's like having a big chunk of your dreams rudely snatched away from the throne it was sitting in. the throne i put it in, because i thought it deserved that place. see, i thought it was so simple. i thought if i wanted it enough, it will happen. i thought it was only going to take a year. two at the most. i knew that plans never fully go your way, but i couldn't help but plan it all in my head anyways. but it isn't like that. everyone has their own lives and their own pathways to pick from. and it turns out that our paths will not cross. at least not in the near future. i'm coming home, but you, you won't be there. but in a way, i'm glad i overheard your mum say, "oh he doesn't want to come back to hong kong, he's always talking about going to the states", because now i can write to you, without having to think i'm gonna ruin whatever i've been hoping to leave uninterrupted for so long. i don't have to think "if i say something wrong, i'll ruin it" because it doesn't really matter anymore, i can't fit you in the picture anymore. but at least now i know why you said no; this isn't a mere year we're talking about. it's three, five, ten, or maybe never. i've been waiting and waiting and waiting and now i have to throw all that's accumulated away. but i once heard something along the lines of, "you put coins in a piggybank to save up for a bicycle. but along the way you forget about what you initially wanted, and in time, you will find that you have saved enough to get a car." it's time to erase all, and start with a white, spotless sheet. this time, i'll just see what comes my way.