crystal ball.

yes, i am. and i appreciate this freedom. but part of me feels so restless, the mini apple in my head keeps going, "wait, so i'm supposed to sit around and just wait for IB results to be out? i can't do anything meanwhile to improve it?". I think two years of IB has made me feel that every moment should be used to do something academic or CAS related, or else you're not using your time wisely. but hey, it's been like what, five days into this summer break? and it feels...it feels busy. it's a holiday, but unlike other summers, this one is filled with responsibilities and preparations for the future. it's filled with things to do, things to say to people, places to go, faces to remember, moments to imprint in mind, and how to balance time.

to be honest i've been looking forward to get out of here. to be frank, i'm bored. but also to be even more honest and frank, maybe i like staying here (and being bored). suddenly i don't want to leave at all. i mean, i left to stay at g hotel for 2 days and i came home feeling so relieved. and g hotel was in penang wtf.

home is where your heart is, and my heart, it's clearly here.
i don't know if i'm ready for more responsibilities, for changes, for new people, people like doug who would say "apple will you please stop squeaking it's annoying" because he doesn't understand that without squeaks i'm not apple. i'm not ready for people who wouldn't understand and can't accept me for who i am. i'm not ready to leave my family and my dogs. i'm not ready to leave my girls. i need my girls, physically there.

last night, i was staring at the dots of light on the other side of the sea, and try as i may, i could not picture my future anymore. it was an empty, gaping, nothingness.

but that's okay:) amongst the nothingness i still have many many many things. and i'm alive:)

so, come what may.

question: if you had a crystal ball, and you were given the chance to take one look into it to see your future, would you?