did you know you could look at a picture and tell whether a person is really smiling or whether its just a stretching of the jaw muscles to try to get it to look like what you've spent half your life perfecting. but in a day you could lose it. and your lips can form the shape but i see nothing in your eyes. you can smile at the whole world and they'd take a glance and think you're happy, but you smile like that to me, and i'd recognise that face like recognising the gigantic yellow glowing thing in the black sky as the moon. it's that kind of obvious.
sometimes i just want to scream my lungs out. no scratch that, too often i want to scream my lungs out. scream away the laziness the soulnessness the emptiness the fullness the confusion the being not being yes being too much being too little. but instead i take a nap. & in my dreams i find that hillside in which i strain my neck and i screaaaaaam like it was the only thing i did in my life. sometimes i find someone else standing beside me screaming along with me, and when we stop screaming we'd look at each other and chuckle, and we recognise that sparkly moisture in our eyes that signals relief. letting go. no more of that glass-eyed, clouded expression. and suddenly we can see into each other's soul, read every single thought, and then we'd grasp on to each other and whisper ''I've found you.'' And neither of us would never let go again.
But sometimes i scream alone in the hills, and nothing is there but the grass and the trees and the wind and the sun half-disappearing. And i have no one, but i have the whole world. I dont know which i prefer, screaming with someone or in solitude.
who said we have to use paragraphs?
you are losing yourself. there is a whole fucking world out there. sorry i'm cursing, but you're getting on my nerves. I know you love her, but so what? we come to love hundreds of people in our lives. and you're not even 20 yet. so get a grip you pathetic sad sad person. stop behaving like i once did and get a grip. stop dwelling and floating in your sea of murky sorrowness cos YOU are the one who built that pool for yourself to drown in in the first place. grip on to the surface and pull yourself up. the chilliness of the air will scare you at first; you've forgotten what breathing was like. but pull yourself all the way up, allow your body to be dripping wet from the residues of pain, allow yourself to shiver and tremble, allow yourself to look around and find no one in the pool, no one at the surface. there is no freakin lifeguard. take a step, then another, walk towards the wooden square thing labelled "exit". on the other side, you'll find the familiar place you came from. forgive yourself for finding the door, and dont ever come back to this pool again. nobody likes it.nobody cares if you drown.
oh listen, a bird is chirping. do you remember the last time the skin on the soles of your foot felt the softness & mushiness & coolness & realness of mud? or have you never felt mud? Have you ever lived life? Why dont you let your hair down once in a while? Why so uptight? im not even in the position to judge you. no im not, but why so uptight, why so serious, why so.... Do you fit in. I know you want to fit in, but the harder you try the more of a joke you become my dear. And i want to hug you and tell you that everything's alright, that you should relax, roll your shoulders, oh what the heck, i'd give you a full body massage if that helps. i dont know whether i should be annoyed or sympathise. but once again, i've reached the stage where i feel nothing.
it's getting easier to get there now. i've found the short-cut.
so what if you dont fit in? i dont even want to start counting the days when i dont fit in at all. But not fitting in with the rest of the world doesnt mean i cant find a comfortable fit within myself. you cant spend every day of your life trying to impress others when you have so much of yourself to go through. if they dont like you, they dont.that's their problem. they're just jealous that you like yourself, and they dont.
i miss entering the darkness of a cinema. closing my eyes and feeling the flickers of light playing on my eyelids. some actress from the horror film showing screams. i laugh. i dont have to open my eyes now, with my hand intertwined in yours, and your other arm around me, and i can just rest on your chest. i trust you completely in those moments. you'll wake me when the movie's over wont you? you dont wear deodarant. And i like that. you are someone who would hold me for twenty minutes straight, and thats all you'd do. you dont pull away. you dont look into my face. you dont try to kiss me. All you do is wrap me up in your arms, without an ounce of selfishness in it.
compromise number three,
i'm learning.
No comments:
Post a Comment