almost

i had such a strange but pleasant dream last night. all of us, as in all the year 13s were on this huge field thing, it looked like the field from the old uplands campus. and we were in groups playing different games, i think one group was playing soft ball. i was in the group which was playing hold-hands-and-spin-as-fast-as-you-can-in-a-circle, and whoever falls over is out and has to sit in the middle. it was so nice. everyone was friends, there were no couples, no person who thinks they're too old for kiddish games like that, no one had a crush nor negative feelings towards anyone, we had no IB work. no barriers or complicated feelings. we were just playing, and laughing, like children.

and then i woke up. memory has a strange way of getting at you. this time, it was shooting at me endlessly, and forcefully, like one of those tennis ball machine things that shoot tennis balls at you too fast for you to hit. it was exactly like that. my brain usually works slowly, it processes one thing after another, taking its time. but this time it was like bam, bam, bam. one image after another, of the same person. and when i ran out of memories, the same ones kept coming back. i lay in bed wide-eyed and wondered if the after-effects of the fever has finally gotten to me. it was the same set of memories i used to feed on daily, but i've recently given up on remembering. this time, i grasped something. so slight i almost missed it. i saw something, so simple, i wonder how i could have missed it before. but then does it still matter? does it? i think for now i'll just tuck this thought in between the file of other thoughts and hopes i put aside for you.

what if i tell you that i know i'm not right, but being so is my way of setting what's wrong, right? and what if i tell you that i'll always be running and escaping because that's just my way of dealing with things i'm scared of? and that i'll always be stubborn like that.

just some thoughts. i'm still happy though. or at least content. i always remind myself that i'm at least content. and carol, i think i finally know what i want. and that i was wrong in many ways, all along. i cut my hair, shortish! as a a kind of symbolic means of a new start.