it feels like time to retreat even further than i have
and identify the places where i know it's safe to curl up and just breathe.
there are so many things out there that can make me smile and love the simple fact that i'm alive. but im still not strong enough to ignore..some other things. i don't like this. what is wrong with me? why can't i just look at the surface of things? why does my mind have to explore beyond what's necessary?
i dont know who i am. am i the girl who thinks "screw it" to every possible consequence, and to just let myself go wild and free, to drink, to date and to do whats in my right to do? i know i can be like this if i wanted to. or am i more controlled than that? am i supposed to be uptight and grade-conscious, to spend most of my time with books and this growing ambition? or am i loud and friendly, caring and compassionate? or am i supposed to be selfish and restrained, to have multiple faces when i'm with different people. which one of these am i? im so confused. i can't just keep changing like this. i need to make up my mind and decide where i belong. i need to stick with one Me. or i'll forever be lost and uncertain in the middle. i have to identify what i want the most, because i can't have everything.
so for now, goodbye msn, goodbye facebook, goodbye many other things.
hello harmless emails and textbooks, and family.
i need to find some answers to my questions.


its november already. yea, its really about time.

carol, i hope you did well at the interview:) call me some time. we can talk about nice things again.