a mathematical equation

"there is nothing to fear, only to understand"

when i was younger, i used to be terrified of those lion dances and fireworks during chinese new year. but now that i'm older, i understand that the lion is merely a masquerade, and that fireworks are simply really blatant noises.
last night as i lay in bed, on the brink of dozing off - only to be awoken by another blast of Hari Raya fireworks - i realized that i was no longer scared.
because i understand it now.

but things are not always black and white. there may be understanding, but there may not be one clear answer. so sometimes i laugh it off, or i distract myself with other things, so that it seems to myself that the answer isn't important, and that i didn't care.
but at the end of the day, or at the corner of my heart, i still question.

there are times when i wish everything was more mathematical, and less philosophical. where there is a solution, and all you have to do is work hard toward finding it; that there is only one answer, and that it doesn't change.

what if there were things you could never understand completely.
if only it was all a mathematical equation, where everything adds up:
education + family + friendship + achievements + relationships + health + opportunities + compassion + generosity + forgiveness + faith
and you just have to minus a few things like pride + jealousy + lust + anger + distrust
and multiply it by a few ounces of experience + gratitude + reflection + understanding

and out comes one clear answer that sums up what your whole life is about.



hah,
when did i become like this.
please tell me that people i look up to have stopped and questioned themselves as many times as i have?

there is still so much to fear.