who am i kidding,

this ain't easy.
& having to face this alone, its tough. & im scared. i'm afraid of not making it; im afraid of building up hope only to have it shattered; i'm afraid that all my effort & determination will add up to nothing. i'm afraid i'm wasting time, or that i'm going on the wrong path. & there's no one there to encourage me, to guide me along the process. maybe certain teachers. but some simply make me feel really small, like i'm looking too highly on myself. well then, tell me what i deserve. tell me where i belong. tell me which level i should aim for. cos right now i feel like a lost fool.
did i mention that im scared?

but no matter what, i will hold myself together, and i will face this alone because i know thats the only way i can prepare myself to face the world in the future. although...it would mean a lot if you would one day ask me how things were going, and to offer me some form of support, like the mini-research you did for me on durham last time. or that long email you wrote to me telling me not to be so hard on myself; that top unis dont mean much. but now, you're disappearing. and i guess its only normal. but one day, you'll be the first person i'll call, and i'll scream ''guess what silly boy? I GOT IN I GOT IN!!!!!" and i want to hear your reaction. I want to imagine your expression. your beautiful smile that i carry on my face now, every day.

this is not fucking easy.