ivan rinaldo de wolf

what are you doing apple
why are you crying
why are you finally crying
when it really should no longer matter

3 months, and im not even gonna start counting the days. im not counting. but its 3 months. and i want to talk to him. but i dont want to talk to him. WHAT DO YOU WANT?! what do i want??? ERGHHHHHHHHHHH.
sniff.
why do i remember? why do i still remember when i MAKE MYSELF NOT THINK OF ANY OF IT? i make myself not think of the things that made me so happy once. where did you go? where are you. im crying and i need you right now. you're the only one i want to talk to. the last time i cried, you were there. your voice, so comforting. i was not afraid to cry then, cos i knew i could always run to you. And you'd be there, and then everything would be okay. But 3 months, i've had to hold the tears in. because i dont want to be helpless in tears, and not have you there. To have the phone in my hand, to have dialed your number that i've dialled so many times before. i dont think i'll ever forget that number. to have dialled your number, only to erase the digits one by one again.
do i look okay to you?? do i??? you meanie. you mean mean cold hearted crap person. i hate you. yea, maybe i hate you. maybe i hate you as much as i love you. do i love you? i dont know. go away. you suck. they all agree you suck. i deserve better. but sometimes its not about what i deserve. WILL YOU JUST GO AWAY.
but why am i crying now, if you didnt matter.
why do i have to hold my breath every time you walk pass. because im scared of smelling your scent again. you know what? you smell like mr skinner, you smell like mark, you smell like half the population of guys who use that same deodarant. But when its you that i smell it on, its different.
why do i have to divert my gaze every time you're around. when i know so well that you're there. cos whenever you're anywhere near, i dont have to SEE you. i can Feel your presence. its scary. and it sucks.

you're so ugly and u flick ur hair every 3 minutes and you walk and run like a gay person and u smoked and u drink and u play computer games and u suck at maths and every other subject in fact and you are not EXTRAODINARY like i once thought you were, i figured that you didnt stand out in the crowd after all, and you're irresponsible and you lie and you get away with things by charming people and im disgusted by the things you did in your past. so why? why, YOU.
i used to fall asleep listening to your warm coaxing voice. but now i cant sleep when i hear it. cos i imagine you saying those things you said to me, to her. and then i try to forget all those things you've said to me, because they seem so insignificant now. and suddenly i cant remember what you've said to me. but i know its in there somewhere. its still there.

i dont like any of this. i dont like how others can talk to you normally, and laugh with you normally, and have nothing against you. but i cant. but i must. for the rest of IB? yea probably. maybe till the day i dont have to look at you face to face again. because i know that if that happens, i'll fall for you all over again. Just like she did.
im so pathetic. and i hate it. i hate this post.
im supposed to have recovered.
im supposed to be hiding this from everyone.
i hate this post.
but im hoping you will see this. not that you care anyways.
not that it will change anything.
what is my problem.