seventeenth november, two-oh-oh-eight

hello,
i suddenly want a penguin. they're so short & stout & fluffy.
wait maybe they're not fluffy.. but still. i think a penguin would put a smile on my face. all he'd have to do is waggle around the house. Wawa used to waggle around a lot. but wawa's gone. wawa's gone...

bec, im glad u had an awesome time in cheerleading :):) im sorry that i cant join..:( its simply..''not my thing". i know you understand :)

i'm supposed to be doing bio revision, but screw that.
i just read J's blog, and realised that i'm not the only one with problems. that someone else is in as much confusion and longingness as i am. she wants and needs him as much as i want and need ivan. but he doesnt want and need her as much as ivan doesnt need me.

i gave him gifts today. other people are telling me that he was really happy about them. but how come i didnt feel his happiness? how come he didnt run to me with that stupid wide grin on his face that i love so much? & he wouldn't need to say a single thing to me. i would be able to feel the happiness..

something's bugging me at the back of head. i know i should not have shouted ''what?!" ever so uncaringly at him during assembly when he was only trying to say hi. but i felt hurt & disappointed that he chose to go off with his friends to have lunch instead of coming with me. i wanted so much to see his face when he opened the presents. after all, he still chooses his friends over me. we haven't had lunch together for quite a few days now..
where is the ivan that i've loved? the ivan that i loved because he was always so real? why does it feel like he has something to hide now? why does it feel like he's...avoiding me..?

i wish he would let me take care of him. i wish he would listen to me and get enough sleep. i wish he would let me organise his time for him.
i wish he'd stop getting so easily irritated and angry.
i dont like seeing that tiredness in his eyes.. that paleness on his lips. that anger ready to erupt.
it makes me scared of him. it makes me back away.. when i want so much to reach out and hold him, just put my arms around him, and make him feel that everything is okay... its okay...