what is sweet

2011-03-30T12:13:00.001+08:00

new blog on the roll.
let me know if you want the link to it :)

patience.

2011-03-29T17:15:00.002+08:00

i would do anything on my behalf to make it better for you. right now that entails doing nothing but being patient.

i too need to patch myself up. attend all classes, exercise, join more activities, meet mum more often. i'm going to start a new blog soon, a photo blog, one that documents my life in terms of facts and events, rather than feelings, like so on this blog. yea, All is well; now, and in due time.

2011-03-28T23:18:00.002+08:00

the strangest feeling is when you feel absolutely nothing at all, when you should be boiling with emotions.

so much has happened in the past month i feel like i'm in some drama tv series.

revelation.

2011-03-27T12:49:00.002+08:00

people can change so much.

either in a short time, or over a long time. you are different, yesterday, today.
is it the people who change? or the situation? priorities. mindsets. perceptions. reasons. mind, heart, realizations.

when you've made a mess, the worst thing to do is to continue to swim around in it, and to allow yourself to drown in the misery. some people do that and they miss out on the rest of what life has to offer. the best thing to do is to pick yourself up, and this time stand even taller. it is to know that everything happens for a reason. and this reason is great, it exists for the purpose of being another lesson, another step to making you almost invincible.
i believe so strongly in balance; meaning, when there's joy, what follows is inevitably, pain. but when there's pain, you grow stronger, then comes joy - from within. and then joy lingers, even when pain tries to engulf you, joy is still within. so, all is well. All is well.
at times when you have to face obstacles that you cannot avoid, are times when you realize you are much much stronger than you ever thought you were. with difficulties, come greatness.

nothing worthwhile is supposed to be easy.
do not let anything tie you down.

one of the greatest strength is calmness in the midst of chaos.

2011-03-25T13:16:00.002+08:00

this is everything i've never, but at the same time, always have experienced (in my mind). new, but strangely comfortable and natural. exciting, but at the same time familiar and calming. only problem is i tend to take for granted things that are good to me, people who treat me well without me having to try. yea. anyways, we're getting a hamster tomorrow!! i'm so excited :) then to a church talk thing.

and for now, i have to continue with this never-ending Finance practice questions.. midterm tonight.

hmmm..

2011-03-22T22:25:00.000+08:00

once in a while life presents us with something entirely unexpected. something which you expect to disappoint you, it almost does, but then a strange twist in the story surprises you, things actually go your way. and you start to think, hmmm..could it be? finally it's my turn?

wow. really?

2011-03-20T12:24:00.001+08:00

so today i heard something that made me realize that for the past one year and eight months, i have been right.

you can't imagine how good that made me feel.

choices,

2011-03-18T18:29:00.002+08:00

take one and you lose the other. you could intend to pick the better choice, to pick the one you like more, or the one that would make you happier. but sometimes, in a rarer situation, you pick the one that's neither of the three. simply because it's the right choice. one that despite all the misery you might have to face, you would not feel regret. for once, i think i did it right.

2011-03-15T14:17:00.002+08:00

you know how sometimes you might imagine something to be a certain way, picture it, perhaps getting your ideal images of it from movies, books, or by seeing excerpts of other people's lives. you imagine yours to be the same, but at the back of your mind you know this is simply a figment of your imagination, it is only there to make you feel better, hopeful maybe.

but what if, this figment actually happens in your reality? And it's everything you've imagined, maybe even better?

and what if, at this moment, half of me is taking it as it is. loving the present, trying not to question nor complicate, trying to take it one day at a time. but the other half of me is wondering when this will mess up, because of course it will. of course it will.

what then?

one week.

2011-03-12T13:48:00.002+08:00

3ams
lunch
unibar
texts
desserts
gift shopping
roadside food
tv series
computer gaming
sleep
breakfast
movie
massage
conversations

2011-03-09T01:10:00.002+08:00

hi Anonymous, this post is dedicated to you. i need to know who you are cos its kinda.. it makes me think, not knowing who you are.

oh and i figured,

i am incapable of investing my heart anymore.
K, come back and end things.

note to self

2011-03-04T15:02:00.001+08:00

before you let your mind wander to places it doesn't need to go, focus and complete on what's right in front of you first - what's really important. FOCUS.

by the way, who's ANONYMOUS?

2011-03-03T21:54:00.001+08:00

previously i wrote a long rant post because i had a bad day.
but then my friend sent me this video and everything's better now.

2011-02-25T18:06:00.003+08:00

i am happy. my mum's alone in penang, but she has this best friend of hers, they've been friends for 30 years. she flew to penang from hk to visit my mum. they went for meals, movies, singing and shopping together. and now she wants to treat my mum to a trip in china. and she wants to sponsor my mum to take up chinese opera (production of CDs maybe). i'm so happy for my mum. see, friends are such beautiful things. :) i love my mum, i told her i wanted to poo and she said, "ok i'll hang up, you can go poo!", and she makes funny faces at me on skype. sometimes i feel like her mum. and i love my mum's friend for loving my mum too. hah, im happy. :)

2011-02-08T23:23:00.005+08:00

today was such an exhausting but goodish day. left room at 7 ish to go to the gym, showered, attended lectures, brunch with ji ho, did a little reading, went for hi tea with kaiser's mum and another auntie somewhere in the city centre, came back to campus, went out again with some exchange peeps for shopping & dinner, came back and met perry for a bit. feet covered in blisters, i cut them and water literally shot out, disgusting very very much. and now you have that gross image in your head, hehe, you're welcome. ok i swear im never wearing heels again unless absolutely necessary.

oh kai's mum "casually" mentioned that hes graduating this year and has an offer from LSE for his masters, but he might not want to take his masters and would rather work at a firm if a good one employs him. but what he truly wants to do is go to Africa for a year to do some volunteer work. and so i thought, hmmm so after everything, your dream, our dream, hasn't changed. only difference is that instead of doing it together like we talked about, you're doing it on your own. anyhow, it's good to know some things don't change. and then his mum "casually" asked if im dating anyone, and i said "nah...there's no one", and she said, "these things depend on fate" and i thought, yea i know, which is kinda why my stubborn heart is stuck with your son.

ANYWAYS, i got ang paos! yay. ok im tired, bye

i love

2011-02-08T12:03:00.002+08:00

my Operations Management lecturer. he made me not glance at the clock even once throughout the class. and this is the first business subject that has made me go "hmmm.... this might be what i want to do with my life". basically its a course about planning and managing operations and resources, in other words how to allocate our earth's materials, human capital, time. how to find the most efficient way to produce, to satisfy consumers, and at the same time, to eliminate waste/pollution/other forms of harm. it's about planning, collaborating, producing what we humans need, finding the best way to operate a business which at the same time harms the environment as little as possible. to me, this sounds more meaningful than things like accounting or finance where i face figures and money all day. hmmmm..

took a trip down memory lane

2011-02-04T14:36:00.005+08:00

by watching video recordings my mum made when i was a toddler. clips of kindergarten days, playground episodes, disneylands, performances, dad&mum's company dinners. a time when i was curious about just about everything, when i wasn't afraid of singing in front of a room full of adults, when i didn't cry unless hurt. a time when my family was..bigger, more complete. a time when grandma was a lot younger, and when mum looked as beautiful as a china doll. a time when daddy had a big belly, and looked more korean than ever. a time where our family looked..more well off. i still have that book of autographs of disney character signatures.
there's a chinese saying that goes: 三岁定八十 , which translates as the 3 year old you determines the 80 year old you. i think it's quite true.
mum kept saying, "time really goes past faster than you think... all these things of the past..are the past and can't be repeated."
life is so so short.
mum, you started with nothing, worked your own way up and built your empire. i'm so proud of you. i'm want to grow up to become just like you. (minus the marriage bit)

spring.

2011-01-31T18:42:00.005+08:00

one week today to the second semester of uni. this was much anticipated towards the relatively monotonous periods of this extended holiday, but now that there's only six days left of it, i'm having second thoughts, haha. there's already a page long of To-Do-List planned, to attend to the moment my flight touches ground in hk. hello perry my airport cab sharing buddy, hello my long neglected little mentee, hello roommate i bought a new hairdryer we can share, hello dusty bedsheets, hello locals & koreans & mainlanders & other-international-party-people, hello gym, hello not very good lecturers, hello dear library, hello minibuses and mtr, and of course, hello cold weather, how do you do. hello independence.

need.change.

2011-01-20T19:41:00.005+08:00

some people set an ambitious target, puts every distraction aside, and actually achieves it.
some people, like me, set ambitious targets and try hard but not hard enough, frequent, but not constant nor long enough, to achieve a single damn thing.

i admire you, you with the determination, the hard work, the good looks and the brains. you who knows what you want and how to get it. you who did what you needed to and got it. you who got into gbus as you dreamed.
you who i doubted, underestimated - i now admire.

you're my new role model :)

:)

2011-01-18T20:25:00.004+08:00

back from a good trip to Singapore, re-united with some amazing people. so glad to know that time may have passed, but some things are still the same. :)

BUT lo & behold, amidst the laughter and childish-publicly-embarrassing behaviour, all of us are actually, noticeably, growing up.

2011-01-13T12:25:00.001+08:00

this morning in mum's car, on the way to the park, out of the blue, she suddenly said "you shouldn't fall for a guy like kaiser.. their family, it's complicated. you have a soft heart, apple. you have a.. a good heart. don't wait for a guy like ah kai."

i didn't reply. i don't know why she suddenly brought up this topic cos we haven't talked about him for many months. but tears welled up in my eyes, and i thought, "oh mum...how do you know everything?

to be a bigger person.

2011-01-12T22:15:00.004+08:00

i know i haven't written properly for a while. i have no excuse, other than the comforting fact that i simply have not experienced any emotional roller coasters for quite a while. i usually feel like writing when i'm emotionally-driven, and when i have the urge to transcribe my feelings. recently, its been a calm ride. i'm typing this on my mum's bed, with my two dogs sleeping under it. it's 10.23pm, almost bed-time. yes i've readjusted back to the healthier lifestyle. the smell of my shampoo is pleasant, the weather in penang is more so. i get up at seven, join my mum and a few elderlies at a park for taichi, we have breakfast together. then i come home, shower, talk to a few friends online. do a bit of leisure reading, read the news, check my email inboxes, feel guilty for a while about not doing anything academic-related this entire winter break, then forget about feeling guilty. some mornings, instead of taichi, i'd walk around the park while listening to my ipod. its amazing how certain songs can flow into your mind and bring back vivid memories, most which put a smile on my face, but a few which makes me glad the memory is a thing of the past.
there is nothing to complain about now. nothing to ask for, other than to be a bigger person. what i have may seem like inadequate to some, but i know i already have everything. and if anything more arrives, they would be considered rewards, blessings.
yay, tonight is another pleasant, peaceful night. :) goodnight all.

to do in 2011:

2011-01-11T12:22:00.004+08:00

1. SLAM social project with mentee. Hopefully build a strong relationship with her, and maybe even get an internship opportunity (though unlikely, seeing that I've already missed 3 of the activities because they took place when i was not in HK)

2. get MBTI personality test done, to understand a bit more about my personality and what type of career is suitable for me

3. nanny & tutoring part-time jobs during the weekends to earn my living expenses

4. go out with friends more (if time allows it)

5. pre-study before classes

6. go to at least one island in HK

7. get the Dean-list award (haha. as if. )

8. internship + summer courses

9. china trip with mum

10. sleep before 12

11. get a DSLR

12. stay single

white

2011-01-04T22:03:00.005+08:00

rereading what we wrote to each other somewhat scares me. the events so blazon clear, your words so familiar, sweet, a little bit embarrassing. my words, just plain embarrassing - gosh, how could i have been so kinky. it could have been yesterday, but in reality its been much longer. i would understand if you've forgotten by now, but once upon a time, it did matter.
i watched a movie called "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" today, in which a couple both got their memory of each other removed from their minds (some new technology) after their break up, because it hurt too much to remember. i don't want to forget, but if that's what it takes, i wish the memory of me could be erased from your head, both the good and the bad parts, the parts that screwed it all up, so that we could meet again as strangers, with no grudge. no reason to avoid each other. no awkwardness of past insults and misunderstandings.

forget everything, so that we could start over new.

dreams.

2010-12-31T18:31:00.003+08:00

watched this today. it was so good, i laughed so much. good way to end 2010. good mood to end 2010 in. happy :) yay.

happy new year, my friends!

re

2010-12-25T19:11:00.003+08:00

christmas day, took a nap after coming back from taichi. the dreamless me dreamt. of him, of an argument. woke up in a daze. knowing it's not time yet.

------------------------------------------------

this winter break is perfect. i'm giving myself one week of proper relaxation, not gonna think about my responsibilities. just read, eat, taichi, watch tv, meet some friends. in laidback island its so easy to live in their style. this is rehabililation. goodbye 3am sleep time, goodbye dark circles under eyes, goodbye everything else unhealthy that ust has loaded on me. ah, why did i ever leave penang in the first place? :P

best place in the world?

2010-12-24T17:54:00.001+08:00

home.

2010-12-22T13:46:00.001+08:00

christmas shopping

2010-12-21T18:52:00.006+08:00

to celebrate the end of the finals, i went shopping. i bought sooo many things, but none for myself. i love christmas shopping. i ended up feeling so happy after buying things for the people i love.. and so happy that i could find things that i know would light up their faces when they see it. believe it or not, this is the first time i went christmas shopping, cos for the past years, i've just been at home, and had family meals to celebrate christmas. and if you know me well you would know i'm rather kiamsiap when it comes to money. but this year, everything's different.
there are a number of things i've learned in this first semester at uni:

-planning is very important
-having nothing to do is something to appreciate
-having a lot to do is even more appreciable
-sleep cures a lot of things
-time is money
-there are always gonna be people with really bad attitudes, who put you off, and you'll have to tolerate it. but i'm so tempted to ask them, "do you really hate your job that much?" or, "what's wrong? can i help you?" and i think one day i will.
-courage is something to build
-confidence is sexy and attracts me
-after bec's departure, instead of throwing myself at other people, i learned to spend time with myself. and right now i'm the happiest i've ever been. because this kind of happiness is not..the bursting time. but rather the type where, you can be walking down the road with a stupid grin on your face for no particular reason, but knowing that you're alive
-take your work seriously, but not too serious that you forget the bigger picture
-love people. i read somewhere that when you keep getting disappointed by people and relationships, and you get angry, then you spend time with yourself, and gradually at some point you learn to love yourself, then you love people. just anyone, unconditionally. i think this is true.
-i've learned that nothing that's worthwhile is easy, and its a matter of whether you think it's really that worthwhile
-everything happens for a reason
-i still have the person that i met a year and a half ago in my heart, and im starting to believe this might not change.
-warm weather is something to love
-i love it here, but i subconsciously hate it too, cos of the stress. but experience has taught me that whatever's bitter will have its benefit later.
-part of me loves the way things are now, but part of me is secretly hoping there was that little bit more. but i know i'll have to wait.
-life can be unfair, but i am one of the lucky ones. and therefore, i must make the most out of what i am given.

2010-12-14T22:19:00.002+08:00

hey, hello. tomorrow's my first final paper and i'm finally procrastinating. the night before my paper i'm actually thinking: what the hell, there's no point, just take it as it comes. which puts the past 2 weeks plus of my hiding-in-isolation-and-studying-day-till-night-and-not-socializing-at-all to waste. but seriously, what the hell. the only thing i can think of right now is the afternoon after my last paper next week, where i can finally get a breath of freedom. and i can go shopping and walk around hong kong without the thought of hkust expectation beckons at the back of my mind. okay, im actually excited that its the paper's tomorrow. cos once the first paper starts, it'll all be over in no time.

hi

2010-12-12T22:37:00.005+08:00

i havent left my room for the past... dont know how many days (except to get food from supermarket)
havent met anyone for the past n days.
havent talked to anyone in virtual world other than bec and my parents.
i feel quite blissfully unperturbed. i could go on living like this, but perry told me to join him for lunch tomorrow, so aiyo, bliss bubble popped.

last night

2010-12-11T10:21:00.002+08:00

i had a dream. i have not dreamt for quite a long time. usually i fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow, no time for thoughts to formulate before sleep, no dream.
but last night i had a dream, i dreamt that i missed my first exam paper because i didn't check my timetable correctly.
way to go for a first dream in a very long time. reflects what fills up every inch of my mind now, doesn't it. i don't know whether to be sad or glad.

URGHHHH

2010-12-09T20:13:00.003+08:00

NEED

MORE

TIME.

2010-12-07T13:44:00.001+08:00

yayy

2010-12-05T16:34:00.002+08:00

i got so much work done last night + today, i feel like superwoman.
:D
by the way i'm sitting next to a huge photo of Albert Einstein at the library. maybe he is passing me his aura. zheng zheng zheng....

2010-12-04T15:33:00.002+08:00

i currently don't have the energy or emotion to do anything but eat and study. i think it's the combination of the lack of sleep and the emotional impact of her leaving. utterly drained. but perhaps now, this numb state of mine is the best state there can be for my preparation for the finals.
strangely, coming out of this, i feel stronger than ever now.

2010-12-03T15:30:00.003+08:00

i know that from now onwards, for quite a while, there will always be a tear in my eye. and every morning i will wake up with a day filled with things to do, but at the back of my mind, i'll feel a little empty because you are missing. but i'm feeling better now. calming down to think about it, and spending some more time with you, i think i can think more rationally now. this is so hard, but this is how life goes. thank you, so so much, for the priceless memories. and i wish you, bless you, with only the very best in life.

2010-12-02T10:24:00.003+08:00

dear whatever determines this life,

all i ask is that if you're going to take away something this significant, you better prove your reason worthwhile. for both me and her.

thank you.

this is the selfish side of me speaking.

2010-12-01T14:54:00.002+08:00

have you ever sat in one place and had utterly no idea where you want to go next. you scroll through your phone book and there is not one person who you want to talk to, though talking to someone is what you need the most. the one person that you trust, the one you can tell everything to, is the very person who's causing the pain. i have never felt like this before. there is something at the back of my throat, and i burst into tears at random moments. what is this? we had something that was closer than friendship. we don't say it, but clearly we were best friends. i had with you something that was closer than anything i've ever had with anyone. closer than my parents, closer than any friend, closer than my best friend in high school, closer than any of my exes. for god's sake, i spent every single day of the past four months with you. yes it's uni life where i meet a lot of new people, but really, it was uni life for US. everything was US. first time i went clubbing, US. first heartbreak, US. boys, US. lunch, US. bitches, US. skype, US. day and night, i see you. so how can you rip away such a huge chunk of me just like that? how can you just take it away without any warning? it's like i built a dreamhouse brick by brick, and then someone comes along and knocks down all the walls, takes away all my furniture and leaves me with the bare land and tells me, "huh, i guess you have to start from scratch again". here it comes again, the tears. i dont even recognize this feeling you know? it feels like we are breaking up, but you are not my boyfriend, you are like my husband. so it's like a divorce. its like you are moving out, and i'm staying in the same house. but alone now. yes there are so many other people, but how, how do i look for someone who i trusted enough to share a bed with? who i feel so comfortable just wearing ugly clothes and no makeup. gym, lunch, dinner, minibuses, food, laughing fits. every single fucking memory. its killing me. its killing me. no i cannot do this alone. why now. why when i already feel like im on the brink of breaking down. is this a test? dear god, is this a test. well i've failed, i've broken down. i surrender. it's like taking everything away from me and leaving me with a hard shell that's glued together just because i still have to live. i feel empty, soul-less, lost. it's too sudden. too sudden. my entire memory here consists of you. how am i supposed to wake up tomorrow and naturally reach for the phone to text you only to remember.. no, this is a habit i have to get rid of. this is too much for me to handle, i admit, i surrender. im fluctuating from numb to emotional to numb. i need to study. but all i feel like doing is crying. i saw xiang just now, and only yesterday he was my biggest nightmare, but today i looked him in the face and i was just completely numb, because what is he compared to you? i know i am going to come out of this and be stronger than i ever was. more mature and independent than i ever was. but im not ready for this kind of growing up. you were here, every day, and once i got so sick of you i told you i needed a break. i did not appreciate on the surface, but deep inside i knew, what am i supposed to do without you? you once said, "thank god i have you here apple, i would be so lost without you." and i laughed and told you that you need other friends. but look how hypocritical i am now. yes i can have other friends. but none who will make me feel the way you do. none who i can talk to like i do to you. none whom i behave with like i do with you. i cannot believe this is happening. i cannot believe you are giving up when it has just started. i cannot fucking deal with this. i dont even know what i can do now to make myself feel better. all i can do is sit and type everything that's going through my head. i feel like going into a coma and then waking up and forgetting everything that ever happened, and just starting over as a clean slate. i feel shattered and directionless.

2010-11-30T23:22:00.003+08:00

i fear my growing ambition.
i fear this.. burning desire for a status, a recognised position and name. i'm intimidated by society's expectations. i fear the influence, the aggravating nudge behind my back that's pushing me somewhere, but i wonder if getting there will make me forget who i am. i'm forced to make a choice between what i really want, and what would make me appear impressive in this competitive community, and the problem is, i'm not sure which is which. part of me may be following the crowd, because it'd rather die than be left behind. but another part of me asks why none of this feels right yet. why there's no lightbulb that lights up and tells me - this is it! this is what you like apple! why there's no passion. there is interest, but what if it was formed methodologically? i want to be given more time, and more choices. i don't want to have to wake up in the morning and think, i have to do well, simply because i have to. there is something wrong with all of this, but i don't have the time or the energy to stop to correct it, or to find another option. every day is just spent on catching up, holding on, running after. every day is blending into the next. in these three months i have done more than i've ever in my 19 years, but here, what i've done is far from enough.
15 days. i'm doing what i can, but i know i can do a lot better. i want so, so badly to do better. so what is holding me back? what's hindering me from excelling? why, do i let myself be average when i know that working harder could bring better results? no i'm not okay with settling with average. i'm not okay with giving up now. i put myself to a challenge, and i am my biggest enemy. there is something wrong with me, something missing. something misplaced, or misused. now's the time to identify and correct it.

HKUST

2010-11-30T18:14:00.009+08:00

thought i'd share with you some photos of my campus; these are taken from a photography contest:

The Sundial

this is the entrance to the campus, and every time i come back from outside of campus, i feel a sense of warmth and belonging when i walk past this area.

The Library

the first photo shows the lowest level of the library (of seven floors), which is also my favourite floor. i like the lowest floor because i feel that it is the most distant from the rest of the world (oh the entire campus builds itself downwards, so you get LowerGround floor 3 or something, instead of 3rd floor). when i'm with friends i would sit on one of those big tables in the first photo, but when i'm alone i might take a cubicle seat because i like the isolation - yes i'm a loner like that. the best seats are the ones shown in the photo, next to the window, which presents a breath-taking seaview. but those seats are usually all taken - by people who come here at 7:30am and camp at the library till it closes.

The Cafe

the hang out spot for the International peeps. of the numerous choices of places you can eat on campus, the internationals are stubborn, and tend to keep to their own kind, and would rather come here every single day. when the weather is nice and there's a light breeze, these seats are a perfect place for lunch and chat with your friends.

The Pier

my favourite place on campus after the library. had some heart-to-heart talks with different people here, drank beer with a group of guys on the beach, sang with a friend, sat on the ledge alone and thought about a lot of things.

The Buildings

despite the notorious and highly appropriate nickname of Hong Kong University of Stress and Tension, i'm in love with this place.
I'm comfortable with it's people, i'm getting used to its pace, and i'm more than glad that i'm here.

my never failing sources of happiness :)

2010-11-28T22:48:00.002+08:00

Want to hear the truth?

2010-11-28T14:27:00.002+08:00

the truth is that every time i have to go through something difficult, like a test i'm not prepared for, or before i have to make a speech, i say to myself, "it's okay, think of him, think of how he would have done this. how easily he would have done this. And you can do the same. Take it easy, and smile through it", and then i'm reassured.
the thing is, there is no reason for me to think of you anymore. i do not wonder or hope whether you'll be back in the future, i only have you at the back of my mind, a place i go to for reassurace, a place i go to to remind myself of what feels seamlessly right. but of course it can't be perfect; of course it ends up not working out. if it did it would be a fairytale, not real life.

good for me.

2010-11-26T14:17:00.001+08:00

i know that as long as i keep everything simple, and expect nothing more than i have now, i will be happy, constantly.
:)

AGREED.

2010-11-25T23:31:00.002+08:00

2010-11-25T13:40:00.003+08:00

okay, i swear, before today, i have never met a true bitch yet. omg omg bitch!!! as if my today wasn't bad enough already. bitch bitch bitch. thank god i had bec to call up to let out my anger or else i would have turned back and tripped you down the stairs or something. gosh. there really are so many different kinds of people in this world, but you bitch, you have astounded me, you have topped the list of bimbotic-bitchness. ok maybe its unfair for me to say this, but the world really doesn't need people like you. (that's a softer way to say, GO DIE.) omg if i had bec with me then i swear i would have said WHAT THE FUCK in your face, rather than under my breath. diu.
okay rant over. now i shall eat my eel rice and be happy.
don't let me meet you again cos i might attempt to trip you.
haha

2010-11-24T22:35:00.001+08:00

eat, observe, learn, love, heal, reflect, remind, work hard, relax, laugh, be spontaneous, forgive, live.

2010-11-23T23:46:00.003+08:00

i played the tune and i could recall the events but i couldn't feel it anymore.

20 or so days to final. preparation status: zero. fscreweddddd

oh and isn't it cruel how sometimes you may have something right in front of you that clearly points to... something good, proper, and right. but you don't take it, because the bad, improper, and what-you-can't-have, is greater a temptation? hahah.teenager.

spooky funneh

2010-11-23T09:02:00.002+08:00

last night i sat on one of the sofas near the library's entrance and watched people walking in and out continuously. and i suddenly thought: "okay i should probably stop looking cos what if X walks in?", immediately followed by the thought, "wait, actually the library is the only safe place. cos X never comes to the library". then i looked up, and X walked past. not once but three times.

this morning i went to the bathroom and there was only one cubicle left so i went in that one. and as i hung up the clothes i thought, "something tells me the shower head isn't working properly", sure enough, it changed from hot to cold and back to hot water, every 7 seconds or so.
as i walked back to my room, i thought, "haha, now what? is my roommate gonna lock me out or something? now that would be funny." and when i turned the door knob it wouldn't budge. so i stood there laughing.
when i recovered i went to get the wardens to open my door for me, and i had to pay 10 dollars, which happened to be the exact amount i had left in my wallet.
now lets see what else will happen today :P
please don't tell me im developing some sort of sixth sense cos i don't want it.

perfect.

2010-11-22T07:49:00.001+08:00

2010-11-20T23:35:00.000+08:00

macau egg tart

2010-11-20T17:22:00.002+08:00

today i wandered the streets of Tsim Sha Tsui with a local friend, and walked past a cafe selling these outside, and a spiritual voice told me to stop. Usually i don't stop at random stalls to buy food, unlike bec who stops at every stall and every minimart.. :P but i stopped. and i bought two of these. they were steaming hot, smelled like...everything sweet and good, and that first bite.. oh. my. god. i was in heaven. when any of you are in hong kong, and fancy eggtarts, or some savoury dessert, i must bring you there.
later, my friend and i separated and i wandered the streets of Mongkok in a daze, bought grocery from the supermarket, and came back to ust. Today i wasted time, met no one in particular, and did no work, and i feel pretty good.

HAHA

2010-11-19T17:40:00.001+08:00

Did so much work today!! HAPPY. Bec and i sat in her hall's common room and actually did work, without distracting each other and getting on each other's nerves every 5 minutes. i call this success, and a little miraculous.
:)
yay i'm feeling good today

deep down.

2010-11-16T22:41:00.006+08:00

i think i've found the cause of this weight on my heart. i think it's because i have not forgiven. i have not forgiven you, i have not forgiven myself. it's the final approach i always take on things that i can't solve, and it always.. opens my heart a little, releases the pressure or whatever's building up inside. and then i feel better.
but why am i letting these small, pointless matters bother me at all?? why am i so... pathetic. so small. why do i try, why do i bother, why do i probe?!

2010-11-16T20:36:00.000+08:00

2010-11-16T08:45:00.002+08:00

for the past week i have rarely seen my room mate. she rushes back to the room at 10pm to shower, only to rush out again at 12am for another meeting, come back at 6am, then at 8am is awoken by phonecalls and rushes off to another event. her face is pale, and she is close to tears, her side of the room is a battlefield. if i was her i would have broken down already. all this for some university businses society? seriously? skipping all classes for 2 weeks and getting like an hour of sleep per day, for some business society?!
its a miracle that people in hk live till their 80s.

2010-11-15T18:24:00.004+08:00

four days of being in a depressed state,
and this evening, i'm finally okay :)
it's good to be back.
now may all the evil forces of distraction stay away from this fragile soul,
she is afraid.
so leave her at her simple peaceful state of mind, thank you.

i want a baby monkey

2010-11-13T22:40:00.000+08:00

and a dslr camera

2010-11-12T17:29:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wish i could close my eyes, and open them in the morning to find that something absolutely amazing has arrived. something that will change me, permanently. and that this thing will be the reason everything else before it has happened.

2010-11-12T11:12:00.004+08:00

this morning i woke up to the strangest sensation i've ever felt in my life. first i had a major leg cramp. then, i swear i felt like i had a out-of-body experience. i lay there wide-eyed, and suddenly i felt somewhere else. i felt i was rebecca getting out of bed. i felt i was haywood in his messy, dodgy room. i felt i was jason opening his door for his room mate. i was nicholas being dead in bed. i was a random stranger at the uni cafe. i literally felt like i was each of these individuals for a moment each. i was there. in their room. in their body. seeing through their eyes. and then i came back to my own body in my own bed, and i just lay there and thought... what the fuck just happened......

i have this.

2010-11-10T20:57:00.000+08:00

2010-11-10T15:47:00.001+08:00

2010-11-09T20:47:00.003+08:00

it really is all in the mind.
a situation is what it is, depending completely on how you choose to think of it. and it is up to you which lens you prefer to be looking through, to perceive the whole situation.

tolerance, balance, acceptance.

2010-11-08T22:23:00.001+08:00

playing with fire.

2010-11-08T11:00:00.005+08:00

now, i knew it was a mistake before i even took the first step. i've learned from my past mistakes, but i'm choosing to do it again. the only thing that's different this time is, i know for certain that this is a mistake. there is no what-ifs; no hope. and the challenge is whether i am capable of surviving through this without losing out. without breaking down. how? by looking at it from a different perspective. by constant reminder. by lots of human interaction.
what on earth am i trying to prove?!

2010-11-07T13:08:00.003+08:00

if i burst into laughing fits (that go on for quite a while) at random moments for no particular reason,
is there something wrong with me? :P

the strangely, funny, a bit amazing thing is,

2010-11-07T09:57:00.002+08:00

you ended up asking me all the questions i was planning to ask you.

2010-11-06T22:57:00.003+08:00

hot stuff, you've seen a lot of
sexy. downright gorgeous. breath-taker.
none comparable
this time
what about personality?
what about fun
what about someone you can talk to for hours?

conversations in the lower bunk.

2010-11-06T21:02:00.005+08:00

X: "I think you are a player."
A: "yea? and what makes you think so?"
"I dunno, i just think you're one."
"Well I'm not"
"so you don't play games with people?"
"nope. Are YOU a player?"
"that's for you to find out"
"haha..what makes you think i want to find out?"
"what makes you think you don't want to find out?

"one thing you should know, i'm a bad guy"
"yea? bad guys are attractive."

"but i'm also a nice guy."

i admit, i'm utterly charmed. i'm grinning like an idiot. but experience has taught me well, this kind of guy..is too charming for my own good. control control control! ok, time to get back to work.

AWWWWWWWW

2010-11-04T19:54:00.001+08:00

my uncle in singapore has adopted two hamsters found abandoned at a park.
i LOVE how every member of my family has a soft spot for animals. :) :) :) :) <3

2010-11-04T09:23:00.003+08:00

after reading some comments on a friend's campaign,
my thoughts are.. people can be such bullshiters, flatterers :P so it's not the brightest idea to ask someone, "what do you think of me?"

2010-11-03T18:45:00.002+08:00

"persistent patience and patient persistence,
can reconcile the expected and the unexpected."

Happening.

2010-11-02T23:07:00.003+08:00

this was my october

this is currently my november. but will soon end up being more filled than october.

so finally,

2010-11-02T13:38:00.008+08:00

i've got one midterm result that is reasonably acceptable. the mean was 83, and i got 90, so i should be woohoo right? but nah, cos the standard deviation was quite high. to make it worse, the highest score was 98 (crazy), and belonged to the girl sitting right next to me -___- and she lost those 2 marks from one multiple-choice question... on the bright side, she's my group mate for the group project, so i guess we're gonna get an A for that ;)
but my other midterm, i did really badly. but i expected a bad mark, cos the midterm really was too hard for me, as in, i needed much more time than one week to study for that.
2 more results to go, and i know they won't be good. but i also know i tried my best.

now that the midterms are over, bec and i are gonna explore hk today!! wait for the pictures :)

and tomorrow i begin preparing for my finals.

hello hkust life.

did i mention..

2010-10-31T00:34:00.001+08:00

that my dear confidant, loves singing?
so a few nights a week, we would sing on skype, and it's super :) in every way.

halloween night,

2010-10-30T22:15:00.001+08:00

i bumped into this guy i hadnt seen around for a while, and me being me, i asked "would you like to go for dinner some time?" and he said, "sure, what about saturday?". So we went for dinner at a food court which had Pepper Lunch. And he had some beef thing, whilst i had some eel rice thing. And then he said, "you know the harry potter movie is coming out soon right?" and then i'm like, "oh the harry potter movies are crap". so we started talking about harry potter, lord of the rings, and movies in general. and then we walked around the mall with no direction (we just followed this little girl in a purple fairie dress - dressed up for halloween - awwwww). Then he decided he needs to buy some juice, so we went to the supermarket. then we decided to go back to campus cos we couldnt decide on what to do, so we got on the bus, then halfway there i mentioned the uni-bar, and he said it has really good banana-split. then suddenly he craved dessert. so i said, "lets go for dessert". so we didnt get off at the uni stop, instead we went to another mall. and we had dessert. and throughout the night we laughed a lot. and made sarcastic jokes at each other. he told me how his heater has exploded, and i told him how i broke my roommate's hair-dryer and i dont know how to tell her. and we talked about room mates, and ust's stupid room moving rules. and the theory of "delta-t", and where the new ust campus will be. and we joked about how "chinese" he is, and talked about IB, and CAS, and TOK, and his teacher,and study techniques, internships, future, charities. and he owes me 20 dollars from dessert. basically, he's a guy two years my senior, a guy i barely know, and yet we talked for 3 hours about the randomest things. I found out his name is pronounced "Lu-weh", instead of "Lu" (lieuwe). and that the weird extra part of his name he added on facebook means "determined", in japanese. and he is: good looking, white, smart, and smells good. or in other words, what more can i ask for? and i didnt feel awkward with him. but no, i felt absolutely no romantic inclination. and in that sense, it really was a good night. i think there's something wrong with my lovey-dovey hormones. they are absent. and believe me or not, this is what i've always wanted. this is as perfect as it can be.

and i'm just thinking..

2010-10-30T14:54:00.004+08:00

wouldn't it be nice, if for a change,
this year i actually had that special someone to celebrate christmas with.

point of equilibrium.

2010-10-30T01:48:00.002+08:00

it took so long to get here;
i hope to stay a little while.

one of the biggest question

2010-10-28T23:35:00.005+08:00

that bothers me is:
why is there such immense inequality? in a lot of things.
i've got questions that i feel for, and i want answers.

and how wonderful it would be, if i could find someone who understands my thoughts, and feels the same way i do. who feels as deeply as i do. oh what i would give, to meet such a person.

contract.

2010-10-28T16:11:00.005+08:00

i'm in one of my writing moods, but i don't have anything specific that i want to write about. i'm actually really sleepy now, but the thing is, when am i never sleepy nowadays? i have an hour now before i head for a meeting, and i should really use it to study. but should i decide against it and take a nice (and much needed) nap instead?
i can sense changes happening. in me. both mentally, and health-wise. the first being for the better (i think), and the latter being a deterioration. it's the lack of sleep, the hours sitting in the cold, the hours of sitting, the lack of exercise, and the age. mental-wise..i'm able to ignore a lot of the things that i once naively prioritized. i had too much free time back then. nevertheless, when i'm not so sleepy and tensed about my academic achievements, i'm actually still the 5 year old me. but yea, i am capable of shutting out the world when i want to, and i enjoy my own company.

what about them.

2010-10-28T09:25:00.005+08:00

i hate this weather.
the only thing that's good about it is that i think my hair has gotten softer. other than that, this weather makes me want to do nothing, when it's clearly shouting crawl under your covers and hibernate till winter's over!
many people would go, pah, how cold can hong kong get? (exactly my words to my mum before i came to hk, when she warned me to bring more clothes..) but seriously, it's cold. cos there's no central heating anywhere. and ust is by the sea. no wonder the english talk about weather all the time. the damn weather has been the dominant thought thats been circulating my mind for the past 3 days. i swear i'm going to buy winter clothes tonight.
and last night as i lay in bed, i've decided that when i start making money, the first thing i will do is set up (or support an existing) charity organization that distributes winter clothes to the less fortunate. there, that's the first part of my dream formulated.

2010-10-27T15:21:00.000+08:00

oh lord. i am eternally fucked.

habit.

2010-10-27T00:12:00.003+08:00

dear confidant,

i dont know exactly when it began, but it's become a thing where every night i would video skype with you. even if only for 10 minutes, it somehow completes my day. to hear your voice comforts me. to hear the crackling static sound comforts me too. why's it comfortable? because we don't even have to talk. it's just the presence. and because it means nothing more than this.
thank you for listening to me rant about my tiredness, my exams, on an almost daily basis.
you're right, i just need someone i know i can go to, and will be there. but you're also right when you say that the only person i should need is myself. nevertheless, i'm just hoping you'd stick around for as long as you can.
because you're a habit i hope to keep.

reasons i am happy today:

2010-10-26T11:34:00.002+08:00

i slept for 10 hours
i woke up to a sms from bec
the first thing i saw on facebook was carol's face with the expanded nostrils and toothbrush, and i laughed out loud
then i saw mitchell commenting on my wall that i talk too much
i am not studying for my accounting midterm which is 7 hours later

tomorrow i have no midterm
i am going to shower now

2010-10-25T10:45:00.001+08:00

something is wrong with my tastebuds..

2010-10-25T09:53:00.001+08:00

asian guys with a nice upper body structure (i.e. well-formed chest), and who speak good english with an impressive range of vocabulary, along with wit of course, and playfulness. can be so attractive lor..

:P

2010-10-24T02:20:00.005+08:00

i am in love with this mathematician on youtube who helped me understand a topic in 2 mins, which i previously failed to understand after reading my textbook and lecturers' notes for 3 fucking hours.

sometimes it really is crucial to find the correct way to do things, or you end up wasting a lot of time for nothing.

so that was 12 hours today. tomorrow i do this again. yay.

this is the point

2010-10-23T12:47:00.002+08:00

where i really have to sit myself down and ask myself what i want to do.
as in, what are my interests?
what do i see myself doing in 5 years?
where do i see myself in 5 years?
what's the career path i should take?

and i have absolutely no clue.

one-way.

2010-10-22T22:12:00.003+08:00

i think it's really bad how...there are people around you who treat you right. who watch your moves, and cling on to every word you say. who find ways to help you whenever they can, and is happy when you pay them that little bit of attention. just like how you treat this other person. ain't it sad when it only goes one way? all of us wanting what we can't have..

note: thoughts of before, not my current state. :)

Have you ever..

2010-10-22T10:05:00.003+08:00

wished for something reaaaaally hard,
for a few days,

and you secretly tell yourself that it won't happen...so that you won't get too disappointed when it doesnt....cos life never gives you exactly what you want..

and then it actually happens?????

and you can barely believe your luck.

omg i'm ECSTATIC.

i woke up and reloaded my mail like 5 times,
and there it was:

As typhoon Megi continues its current track towards the Guangdong province and is expected to be closest to HK tomorrow morning, the NICExSLAM 2.0 Training Camp will be POSTPONED.

YESSSSSSS. now i have the weekend to study for my midterm (which are on monday and tuesday) so I won't fail too badly.
omg so happy.

:) !!!

2010-10-22T02:48:00.001+08:00

hahahahhahahahahahhaa. this will be the death of me

actually,

2010-10-20T10:40:00.000+08:00

people do notice things about you that you didn't think they'd notice.

ice

2010-10-19T18:29:00.003+08:00

just now at the supermarket on campus, i bumped into this guy that i haven't seen since the first two weeks i joined this uni. his hair is longer now, and there's something distinctively different about him, and i don't just mean appearance-wise, though he still gives off that odd, man-from-the-classical-period vibe. i think its interesting how people you haven't met in a while can change so much in a short time. it makes you think about how you're changing too. and how, meeting a friend a few years later might be the same, but at the same time it's like getting to know a new person.

after camping at the library and leaving at night, i feel like i've emerged from a cave and is seeing the world and its human-inhabitants for the first time. i wanted to find company for dinner, but at the same time, having to entertain someone was the last thing i wanted to do. so i ended up coming back to my room. eating bread,typing my thoughts, here, now.

i sense an immense typhoon around the corner.

after the midterms, we have about a month till the finals. i haven't had the chance to explore hong kong yet. haha. i'm looking forward to december where i can go home, to penang.

2010-10-18T17:01:00.002+08:00

when everyone around you is a hardcore studyholic,

you become a hardcore studyholic.

2010-10-16T04:29:00.002+08:00

4.29 am,

epic night :)

and tomorrow, i transform back into a nerd.

i love you rebecca ng, eventhough you forgot my birth date :P , thank you for sharing tonight with me. lets smile and pretend it never happened :)

2010-10-14T17:01:00.002+08:00

dear all forces,
please be with me for the two hours tonight.
i have done my very very very ultimate bestest to prepare for this one midterm. please prove to me that effort = results. please let me get a 100%. i need this verification.
thank you.

thought of the day:

2010-10-12T19:02:00.001+08:00

if you don't want something to end, don't start it.

according to the curve..

2010-10-12T16:40:00.006+08:00

in accounting ,
80% gets you a C
99% is a B
and 100% is an A,

cos apparently 32 people in the class scored 100%.

tell me how i should study, cos clearly, sitting in the library for 10 hours per day is no where near enough.
fuck this, i'm learning what some of you have learned for 2 years - in two weeks. freakin unfair.

-------

on a more positive note,
this is what i've kinda always wanted. this feeling, of constantly setting targets (though failing to meet most of them), of planning a million things in my head, of feeling that i'm not wasting time, i'm not wasting my life away. i feel like i'm on a road that's actually getting somewhere. 7am, shower, check mail + breakfast in room, class, lunch, class, library, dinner, library, back to room, do something fun, study, sleep, 7am. interviews, laundry, quizzes, midterms, clubbing, shopping, friends, new friends, him, lunch, dinner, coffee, supermarket, case competition, leadership program, gym, tennis.

also, finding someone you admire and like the smell of (hehe), and being able to study for hours with him (and other people too) almost every day. despite it being just silent studying and freezing aircond for hours on end, it's perfect. i have no complaints. right now, i have no questions, no expectations. please, let it just stay like this, let nothing change this. cos at this moment, this is all i'm asking for.

thought of the day:

2010-10-11T17:02:00.001+08:00

good things happen when you least expect it to.

tonight.

2010-10-11T00:05:00.003+08:00

unexpectedly, tonight was really good night.
i studied with a group of malaysians, and it really was a very good night. it was simple, we just studied, talked occasionally, laughed, studied. i got to know them a lot better, and hopefully vice versa too. and the boy who usually doesn't talk to me, actually initiated conversations today. and made funny jokes too. im so happy i dont want to sleep. perhaps that was the best night i've had in ust so far.
:)